


The Snow Queen

by Glasssneaker



Series: The Other Things [3]
Category: Kuroko no Basuke | Kuroko's Basketball
Genre: Coming of Age, Doesn't Make That Much Sense Out of Context, Drama, F/M, Fairy Tale Elements, Friendship, Intructions In The Notes, Narrator Momoi Satsuki, POV First Person, Part of A Main Fic, Personal Growth, Pining, Romantic Comedy, The Snow Queen - Freeform, not a standalone, part of a series
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-01
Updated: 2020-11-01
Packaged: 2021-03-09 02:48:32
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 7
Words: 22,453
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27327601
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Glasssneaker/pseuds/Glasssneaker
Summary: There’s a story I really like. It’s about a boy and a girl who could go to each other’s homes from their windows. They had a window-box garden to play at. They were best friends.
Relationships: Aomine Daiki/Momoi Satsuki, Kuroko Tetsuya & Momoi Satsuki, Mentions of Kagami Taiga/Kuroko Tetsuya
Series: The Other Things [3]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1452892
Comments: 2
Kudos: 10





	1. About the Mirror and Its Pieces

**Author's Note:**

  * For [ansa_atir](https://archiveofourown.org/users/ansa_atir/gifts).



> This fic is a part of my main Kuroko no Basuke fic, _The Other Things_ , and ideally **SHOULD NOT BE READ AS AN INDIVIDUAL WORK**. I mean sure, if you really want to, go for it, but some parts of it won't make sense if you haven't read Kuroko and Kagami's story to the point in time, where this story from Momoi's perspective takes place. However, including it as regular chapters in the main fic would have been too weird, because it's all from either Kuroko's or Kagami's perspective, and as far as I can see, there won't be more from Momoi's except for this story. Besides, it still is its own story, with a fairy tale wrapping, so it wouldn't really fit in the middle of the main fic, though it is a part of it.
> 
> **Ideally this story should be read between chapters 32 and 33 of the main fic.**
> 
> That being said, I'm really excited to finally get to the point where I can share this story with you! I really loved writing it, and I wrote it a long time before I got to the same plot point (whatplotright) in the main fic. It's a good timing too, I think, because some of you have probably been disappointed in how slow my updates have been lately, so here's a full story to show you that _The Other Things_ is very much not dead, and I fully intend to finish it, even though I've been preoccupied with another fandom lately. I may have at some point talked about how I had more to say about Momoi, so, here it is!
> 
> Hope you like it.

_There’s a story I really like. It’s about a boy and a girl who could go to each other’s homes from their windows. They had a window-box garden to play at. They were best friends._

Despite what anyone might think, I don’t enjoy looking at myself in a mirror. They’re just everywhere, in disguises. Laughing at you, because how could you stop yourself from staring at all those store windows, reflecting you as you walk by? And yet, you need them. They remind you to smooth your hair, draw your shoulders back, suck your stomach in. They tell you when it’s enough. Mirrors, they’re like money. You need it, but you hate it.

I know I look okay to most people. Good, even. I would go as far as beautiful. Desirable, to some. Hot, they might say. It’s not like I haven’t heard it often enough. And I don’t dislike it. Because it’s power. And power, it’s been split anything but evenly in this world. If you have something going for you, you have to hold on to it.

See, that’s the tricky part.

I realized I had power when seventh grade came and puberty really hit the class and “bam!”, suddenly my breasts were twice as big as anyone’s. I never thought of myself as power hungry. But then, by the end of middle school I realized I was gaining weight. And I had always been slim, it was something I’d taken for granted. It made me realize three things: First, my breasts only gave me power in the first place because I was also pretty AND skinny AND not unpopular to begin with. Second, that even if you were given power by accident, you couldn’t keep it without effort. And third, I didn’t want to lose the power I had.

So, now I count calories, because I need to be skinny. Even though I would never admit it to anyone. It takes me an hour to wash my hair because I put conditioner on it twice. But I refuse to cut it shorter. My grandmother always told my mom: “A woman’s power is measured by her hair.” I also use this ancient trick they both have done since their childhood: Brush your hair with a hundred strokes every night. To keep my hair as shiny as possible. I also wear it down, instead of the preppy ponytail I used to wear. I decided that it was more alluring, and that being alluring was more powerful that being preppy.

But, I still want everyone to think I don’t look like this because I put effort into it. I want everyone to think it’s natural. Because, for a split second, it was. So, I guess I want myself to believe it’s still that way, too. I want them to think I wear a hoodie on top of our school uniform, because I’m really cool and chill, and don’t have to make effort. Not because my breast size forces me to wear a top so big that I appear as if I don’t have a waist, but the hoodie hugs closer to my body and reveals my real shape. Not in a million years can I allow anyone to figure that out.

Not in a million years can I allow anyone to figure out, that during the day, a mirror, is both, my best friend, and my worst enemy.

People can be mirrors too. And I don’t necessarily like figurative ones any more than I like the literal ones, because they come at you, from everywhere, each of them asking you to be honest with them and yourself in so many different ways.

Tetsu-kun once said I stare back when being stared at. I think I do it, so people would think I have nothing to hide.

This year, I think I’ve been forced to learn a lot about that. Honesty. I think, even though I stared back at people, I never really _looked_. I didn’t want to see myself reflected back in other people’s eyes.

Now I’ve been doing it. Really looking at people. Apparently, literal mirrors are the kind I should be looking at less. Other people are the kind of mirrors I should be looking at more. But I don’t like what I’m seeing. At all.

I’m seeing things I already knew. Things I chose not to look at. Things that have been making their way to the surface of my mind. So, when I finally find myself really looking at someone, and seeing why it is that I have a hard time really looking at them, I already know. There’s nothing new. There’s nothing new under the sun.

Like last time I saw Seirin’s coach. This year’s Inter High. I guess enough time and honesty had already gone by that I would look at her and think: Why on earth had I decided that she was my competition? Like, particularly her, individually, not just as part of Seirin. Just because she’s a girl too?

Well. Kind of. The whole reason just shows how pathetic I am. I think I just wanted to show her how much more of a woman I was than her. Because I thought it would be easy. I thought I could make her feel bad about her own femininity just by looking at me. That’s how nice of a person I am.

But, the joke's on me. Of course it is. Because for some reason, I needed to rub it in her face, over and over again. Things like how much bigger my breasts are. Why did I need to do that? Surely, to mess with her, to help my team win?

I wish. The truth is, that I just got a kick out of thinking that I had somehow won her, in my personal competition of being a girl. But… I only did that in the end because deep down I knew that she wasn’t my personal competition. We’re nothing alike. We are not “playing the same position”. I’m a manager. She’s a coach. Even if our job descriptions sometimes overlap, in the end, I’m a supporter. She’s a leader.

Her team is my team’s competition, but she isn’t mine. Just being a girl doesn’t change that. That’s why, that last time, I didn’t even go to her. I didn’t start running my mouth once. I couldn’t figure out what the point was, anymore. I just started to detest myself when I looked at her. I guess I finally realized, that I had never won anything, because I wasn’t playing the right game. I was simply taking my own insecurities out on her. Who wants to see something like that about themselves?

Sometimes thinking people as mirrors can get so ironic. Like, what else are you supposed to think, when someone phonetically identical to a mirror starts yelling at you? It feels like a slap in the face. A slap he didn’t give me, but still looked like he wanted to. I’m talking about Kagamin, of course. What a pain, going through the trouble to do something like that. It’s like the world is screaming at you: Heey! Remember that Honesty Thing?! So, how was I supposed to just ignore what he said?

It happened after I had finally been rejected by Tetsu-kun. Kagamin came to yell at me, at our school, no less. Saying that I was unfair, that I pushed Tetsu-kun too far. That I treated him like crap, because he didn’t act like I wanted him to.

How can I deny it? He’s right. He’s so right I’m not sure he deserves a nickname any more. But, that just makes me even worse as a person, doesn’t it? And it’s not the point anyway. It’s not the point, whether he was right about me or not. The point is, how can a guy let himself be pushed around like that? Why didn’t Tetsu-kun reject me sooner? How could he let me push him so far into a corner? When I forcefully kissed him, it looked like it pained him to push me away, like he needed all his mental strength to do that. How could he be so weak? I don’t understand it.

But… I guess I have to try. Otherwise, I can’t be his friend anymore. And I still want to be his friend. Looking at Kagamin though, seeing how he looked at me, made me think maybe I lost the right to be Tetsu-kun's friend, after all. I did treat him badly, no matter how I choose to defend myself. I have to admit that much.

These mirrors really suck.

And when I look at Tetsu-kun, who still wants to be my friend, I know that… I was never really in love with him. No matter what I’ve said. No matter how much I’ve told myself these lies. It’s just that he would have been an easy person to be in love with. He was perfect, because, I always knew he didn’t love me back. That makes me the worst friend, out of all this. Because, from the beginning, I was just using him. I was just using him, to keep lying to myself.

But… that’s it. This is all that being honest and really looking at these people, these mirror pieces, does to me. It hasn’t done me any good, whatsoever. How much more do I have to look, how much more honest do I have to be? How much more do I have to hate myself, before this stops?

It’s all useless.

And then, there’s Dai-chan.

Oh God. Where do I even begin with Dai-chan?


	2. A Little Boy and a Little Girl

_One day everything changed. Shards of the Snow Queen’s mirror got into the little boy’s eyes and heart. He began to see the world differently. Like it had lost its colour. The little girl had never felt so alone._

It was that day years and years back, when I had been the one to win the silly competition of who had more bruises on their legs. That’s when Dai-chan said to me:

– We’ll always be best friends, right?

To which I enthusiastically replied:

– Of course!

I like to think that day has held me captive for years. That it’s why I need to follow him everywhere, watch over him, make sure he’s gonna be fine.

I’ve been thinking about that memory a lot lately. I was also thinking about it the day that Dai-chan said something alarming, and from there on I think nothing could’ve stopped my life from changing course. Even if I couldn’t yet see it.

The chair creeks when Dai-chan sits in front of me, at my desk. He’s been coming to eat with me every day, for God knows how long now. Most of this year. Almost like _he’s_ the one watching over me now. Like it’s a payback for last year. Just to annoy me, really.

– Why so gloomy? What's going on in your head? he asks.

I frown. So what, if I haven’t been in a good mood lately? He really has no business lecturing me about it.

– Something stupid, I say and start getting my lunch out of my bag. I feel that he’s still watching me.

Then he says it:

– Glad to see you’re eating again.

How dare he! Like, has he been holding that in for months now?? That’s when he started saying I _wasn’t_ eating.

I glare at him.

– Stop commenting on my eating, I say behind gritted teeth. He just looks at me without a flinch.

– I will do it, if I ever see a reason again, he says annoyingly calmly.

So, okay, I went through a period when I didn’t eat that much, at the start of this school year. But it wasn’t anything. Like, not _really_. I just didn’t have too much of an appetite. It was nothing serious. And yeah, okay, it had something to do with how I was getting more and more depressed about the situation with Tetsu-kun. I was just feeling like I needed to do something. Not that I needed to confess, specifically, but that something had to change. And I thought about it so much that my stomach hurt all the time, and I didn’t feel like eating. Okay, I also thought it wouldn’t hurt to lose a few kilos in the process.

But then I _did_ do something, and everything just went to hell. How could it not? I’m a disaster these days.

I guess I started eating again, when I admitted to myself that I wasn’t really in love with Tetsu-kun. Also, I had realized how stupid it was to act like being a girl was a competition. Not just with Seirin’s barely B-cup coach. In general, too. So, if I had no one to impress, no guy, no girl, then what was the point of losing weight in the first place? I could just as well eat my feelings. Or the lack, there of.

– Let’s eat somewhere else, Dai-chan says then, and gets up. I look at him with mild curiosity. He shrugs.

– It’s a nice day outside, he says.

I get up and follow him. After all, even if it’s not a good day for me, even if most days are not so good for me lately, how could I not regain some happiness from the simple miracle that Dai-chan is in a headspace to be able to care about the weather outside?

This is everything I wanted last year, isn’t it?

We sit on the lawn, and I hardly notice that we eat in silence for a long time. Not before I realize that Dai-chan is eyeing me every now and then. Like he’s hesitating. I frown at him. What is he thinking now? He sees my frown and looks away. Then he says:

– Hmm… I’ve been wondering if you’re so moody because of Tetsu or something, he says.

I gulp down the water I was just drinking.

– Even if I was… It’s none of your business.

He sighs, like he’s more bored than concerned.

– Look, you should just get over him.

I flash him a glare.

– You don't need to tell me that! This my business, and you don’t even understand! So don’t say things like that to me, like it’s all so easy!

He glares back.

– Stop acting like I’m attacking you or something! I’m just saying this, because you don’t seem to see it yourself! So I’ll say it again: Get over him. You’ll only get more heartbroken if you don’t.

That’s the moment when, I guess, a part of me… shifts. Reacts. Starts listening. Even though I'm decidedly against it.

I don’t stop the glaring.

– What’s that supposed to mean! I yell. – I know, Dai-chan! I know that he’ll never like me like that. It has become clear enough! If he was going to like me, he would have, he’s had every opportunity!

I take a breath, and I can't conceal the bitterness entirely, when I say:

– I’m curious to see it, though. What kind of a girl he would like. I’m not exactly holding my breath to find out, but I suppose I will see it, at some point, anyway. Maybe whoever he ends up together with, will be so different from me, that I won’t even have to feel bad about myself.

Dai-chan sighs then, and shakes his head.

– Satsuki, you’re _so_ fucking clueless. This is why I say what I say to you!

– Now, what’s that supposed to mean! I yell again. He finally loses his calm a little, and yells back:

– Have you _ever_ thought _at_ _all_ that who Tetsu ends up liking might not even _be_ a girl!

That shuts me up momentarily. If only because I can’t wrap my head around what Dai-chan is saying. I blink. Then I snort, when it dawns on me.

– What? I say with a laugh. – Tetsu-kun is not gay.

Dai-chan rolls his eyes.

– How can you be so sure?

I just stare at him. I don’t understand how he can even say that. How can he suggest something like that with a calm, bored face like that? Like it’s totally plausible, like it makes sense, like it’s even mundane. Does he understand what he’s saying?

– Stop joking. That’s not funny, I say.

He glares at me again.

– It’s hardly a joke. Even I’m not enough of a jerk to joke about this.

I can’t stop staring at him.

– He’s not… We _know_ what gay looks like! Like… like that person from Rakuzan! There’s nothing… Tetsu-kun is nothing like that! How could you even _think_ something like that?

Dai-chan narrows his eyes.

– That’s not what gay means, Satsuki. You’re overreacting. Really, it just means you like guys. Or girls, if you’re a girl. Nothing more.

– Nothing more? I repeat, raising my eyebrows. – Nothing more? What are you saying, like, can you actually picture Tetsu-kun with a guy, and not feel like that’s totally weird and wrong?

He raises his brows at me.

– You think it’s wrong?

I roll my eyes.

– I don’t care! I mean, people can do whatever they want. It’s just… _Tetsu_ - _kun_ is not like that. It feels totally wrong to think that he would be!

Dai-chan looks away, and sighs.

– See, that’s why I said you’re clueless.

Anger just rises in me now. How can he spout this stuff, looking like he knows everything? I’m about to demand an explanation. I open my mouth.

Then I realize I don’t want it. I don’t want his explanation. I don’t want reasons. I don’t want to know how he has come to this ridiculous conclusion. I don’t want to hear anything more about this whole thing.

So, I get up.

– Speak to me again, when you’ve come back to your senses! I say and turn to go.

– Sure, Satsuki, he says with a bored tone. – You do the same for me, then.

I don’t answer. If he’s like that, he doesn’t deserve and answer.

I have a headache that day. What is this stupidity? I feel like my whole life is just stupidity coming from left and right, right now. And I’m getting tired and clumsy. I don’t know how to deal with it all. And I don’t even understand where it’s coming from.

I like almost all my homework these days. It takes my mind off of things. I like anything that gives me a reason to just sit down and let something demand all of my attention. Or not sit, necessarily. Yesterday, I had nothing to do at night, so I rearranged my room. Completely, every piece of furniture. I didn’t even know how creative I could be when I set my mind to it. Next time I don’t have anything to do, I’ll go shopping for new pillow cases and other decorations to spice up the new look.

My mechanical pencil runs empty in the middle of writing. I check my pencil case and see that I’ve run out of lead completely. How could I be so careless? I frown and sigh. Why is everything so difficult these days? I start looking for spares in my drawer, but in vain. I don’t keep a lot of unnecessary things lying around, because it’s distracting.

Suddenly I find an old photo of me, from middle school. What is it doing here? I stop to look at it, and I find myself thinking: Maybe I simply can’t go through high school without a crisis, anymore than middle school. Maybe this is that, all over again. Maybe this is the part where I start to feel so alone, because I don’t understand anything that’s happening around me. I mean, I don’t get Dai-chan, I don’t get Tetsu-kun, and I don’t even get Akashi-kun right now. (He sent us all a weirdly enlightened message just before summer ended.)

But… Dai-chan seems okay. Tetsu-kun seems okay, and even Akashi-kun. (The message was about how he’d realized it was important to tell people how much you appreciate them.) Everyone seems just fine. It’s like, yes, they’re changing, but... they’re fine.

Maybe, this time, I’m the only one going backwards?

But that’s just another stupid thought, isn’t it? I shake it of. Then I find an old pencil and get back to my homework.

That night I find myself thinking about Akashi-kun’s weird message. There was something about it, that alarms me now. (Not the part where Tetsu-kun was about to drown.) I think about that message because of what Dai-chan said today. It gives me the creeps.

The next day Dai-chan sits on the other side of my desk just like every day. He's not saying a word. I glance at him. I’ve done some thinking since yesterday, and I’m not in the mood to fight anymore.

– Did you start eating with me because you were worried about my eating, or because I’m in different class than Mari-chan this year? Did you feel sorry for me? I ask.

Dai-chan raises his brows.

– I don’t feel sorry for you, he says. Like, that’s his answer. Okay, whatever. I guess it wouldn’t be beyond him to note that most of my friends are in a different class than me now.

We start eating in silence again, but I realize I don’t know what I’ve been waiting for. He’s not gonna bring yesterday up again, and I feel like I have to, which is probably a form a self-sabotage. But I can’t help it. I don’t want to look like I gave up.

– So, maybe I was overreacting, yesterday, I say. Dai-chan looks up at me, waiting for more.

I shrug and continue:

– Well, since all you said was ridiculous, I might as well hear your reasons for it. I mean, otherwise it looks like I’m afraid you’re right.

I think his mouth twitches a little, but he doesn’t really smile or anything. He sighs.

– Fine, he says. – Remember this is for your own sake.

I glare, just wanting him to continue. He rolls his eyes.

– After school, he says. I raise my brows. He just looks at me.

– If you still want to talk, we’ll talk after school, he says.

I’m about to argue, but then, I guess I just can’t find the will. After all, he already said we’d talk.

– You mean after practise, I say. He smirks.

– After practise, he says.

It’s been a while since we walked home together, but I’m not in a nostalgic mood. I just want to get down to business, so I get to put this thing down to some oblivion in the darkest corners of my mind.

– So? I say when we’re out of the school gates.

– So what?

– Come on, you know exactly what, Dai-chan, don’t even start.

He sighs.

– But what is it exactly, that you want to know?

I frown.

– I don’t want to know anything! It just seemed like you wanted to tell me!

He rolls his eyes.

– Fine.

Then he ponders.

– Okay, but first, now that you’ve apparently thought about it at least a little, has it truly never crossed your mind…?

– Not this again! I say with a sigh.

– Has it?

– No!

He sighs again.

– Like what should I have been thinking? I ask then, because I’m starting to lose my temper again. – Like, geez, there must be something there because he went to Okinawa alone with Kagamin? Is that what I’m supposed to be thinking?

Dai-chan gives me a long look.

– See, you did think that they were there alone, he says then.

– What’s that supposed to mean?

– Just that Akashi’s message never said that… like, explicitly.

– It was implicit!

He nods.

– Yeah. But for some reason you paid enough attention to notice.

What is this now? I can’t deal with this. It’s like Dai-chan just wants to point out to me how right he is, and how dumb I am, and no, I still don’t think he’s right.

– Stop interrogating me and start talking! I shout.

He rolls his eyes.

– Okay, well, I’m not sure if I have to tell you, since you _have_ apparently thought about it, but for some reason they went to Bakagami’s fancy summer house alone, for days. While they could’ve brought their whole happy-go-lucky team, for some reason it was more important for them to spend the end of summer alone.

I frown.

– That’s hardly evidence, I say.

Dai-chan shrugs.

– Well, not alone.

He looks at me. I cross my hands and wait.

– There was that rumour…, he starts, like he knows that I’m going to argue. You bet I will.

– Dai-chan, that’s ridiculous! I _know_ how that rumour started. _I_ was there!

He raises his brows and nods.

– Still, he says.

– No _still_! There’s nothing there! I’ve told you what happened, but I’ll say it again: Kagamin came to yell at me. I said, as a JOKE: “What are you, his boyfriend?” and he was like “Uh no, but neither are you!” What an idiot…

Dai-chan nods again.

– Like…, he says then, eyeing me. – Like, that doesn’t sound at all… defensive, to you?

My eyes widen.

– Even if it does, it wouldn’t mean that he was _lying_!

Dai-chan just shrugs.

– I still think you hit a sore spot.

I shake my head.

– You’re crazy, Dai-chan…

– Look, you’re the one not keeping your eyes open right now. Kagami isn’t exactly good at concealing his emotions. Have you never payed attention at how he looks at Tetsu? How he’s always sticking so close to him, this year especially? That time he came to yell at you on Tetsu’s behalf is hardly the only time he acts like his world revolves around him. Though, it’s one of the most blatant examples…

– Why are you suddenly so understanding!

– This isn’t about being _understanding_! There’s just no reason to deny what I’m seeing!

– Well, how did this turn around like this? Now you’re trying to convince me that _Kagamin_ is gay!

– I don’t care who is gay and who isn’t. I’m just saying you should open your eyes.

But he’s hardly explaining anything to me. He’s just being infuriating!

– Even if you were right about Kagamin, it doesn’t mean you’re right about Tetsu-kun!

He just looks at me.

– What, you’re hiding something! I say. – You’re not telling me everything!

He sighs.

– It’s probably not my place to tell you… everything.

– Since _when_ do you care? And why did you start talking about this to me in the first place!

– Like I said, to open your eyes.

– Well, really good job, Dai-chan!

He’s not really telling me anything. He’s not telling me anything new. Nothing he says makes any sense to me.

That’s right. It just doesn’t make any sense to me.

The world as I knew it, doesn’t make any sense, not lately.

When I get home, I’m just furious. Why did I ever decide to talk to Dai-chan again about that stupid thing? I never seem to learn these days. I just keep doing stuff that makes me angrier and angrier and nothing helps. Do I _want_ to be unhappy?

When I start doing my homework to calm myself down I realize I still didn’t buy more lead. It makes me let out a little muffled scream.

I go to the upstairs storage room to see if there might be any hidden there. I stomp my feet on the way. Then I look, and look, and move every damn box but nothing. Of course! I slam everything back in place. How can this day be _so_ infuriating!

As if it’s not enough yet, suddenly there’s a thud, and then pain, on the top of my head. I’m just about to scream again, more out of frustration than pain, but then…

I see what hit me. My eyes focus on the cover of this tiny children’s book. I pick it up from the floor.

_The Snow Queen._

Just seeing the title, seeing the snow storm and this pale, dubious woman on the cover… brings back a thousand memories like they’re crashing down into me. I sit on the floor and open the book.

I know every page by heart. This was my favourite story as a kid. I loved these two little characters with all my heart. The little boy and the little girl. Kai and Gerda. I loved how she never gave up on him, even though it seemed like he was so far gone with the Snow Queen’s spell, that his heart could never be whole again. I loved how she sacrificed everything to save him. The one person who mattered the most to her.

I wanted to be her. I wanted to be Gerda.

I think she defined womanhood for me. She would go the distance for what mattered the most to her. Never giving up, never giving in. Reinventing herself, over and over again. To show the powerful Queen, to show Kai, that a small insignificant girl like her, could do anything. To prove that love, conquers all.

And this story, this silly little thing, is how “Daiki” became Dai-chan. Because, if I was going to be Gerda, someone would have to be my Kai. It was obvious who it would be. Now it’s even a little scary. Almost like a bad omen, that I named him “Dai-chan”. Almost like the story became true because of it.

I shake my head a little.

It’s just a story. I know it’s just a story, but… aren’t we all stories? Don’t we all tell ourselves stories about our lives? Our own personal narratives? This was mine for so long. I haven’t seen the book for a long time, but I still thought about this story in middle school, and I thought about it last year, too.

I thought I was going to be Gerda. I would be Gerda and take those wicked shards away from Dai-chan’s eyes. I would be the one to make him see the world in the brightest colours again.

That’s when something, like a sharp sting, shakes me up inside, and I close the book. I get up. I take the book with me, but I don’t want to look at it anymore.

I go to my room and put the book on the shelf. Then I look around, and see again, just how tired I am of how this room looks. Rearranging it was hardly enough. I pick up my phone, and I’m about to call Dai-chan to come shopping with me tomorrow. It annoys the heck out of him, and it’s entertaining because I can still drag him with me. But… then I feel like I don’t even have the will to annoy him right now.

I think about calling Mari-chan instead, but then I remember she went away with her parents for the weekend.

I sigh.

Then I think of Tetsu-kun. There’s no reason I shouldn’t call him, right? I told him I was going to try my best to be a better friend to him, right? He still wants to be my friend, right? If that's the case, I should probably show him what it means to _really_ be friends with a girl. Starting with an endless day of shopping. Let’s see if I can annoy him with my perfectionism like I can annoy Dai-chan. I send him a message that I’m redecorating my room and could do with shopping help, to which he almost immediately replies that it sounds like fun. Okay. I’ll show him fun.

But now I’m dissatisfied again. The decision to go shopping tomorrow doesn’t leave me a whole lot to do today. Even homework seems like it should wait for tomorrow, after I’ve gotten the chance to buy that lead…

I sigh and turn back to the bookshelf. To that same book. Even though my feelings are mixed, I pick it up again. I lie on my bed and flip through it, as if it’s going to tell me anything new. As if I’d even want it to. I lay the book on my stomach and clutch it against me.

Why can’t I just let it go? It’s all in the past, anyway. Everything that it stands for. Except… Well, Dai-chan. And me.

I thought, for a moment, that everything was good. That everything was how it used to be, how it was supposed to be. But it seems like the other one always has to be difficult, out of reach, moody, and generally dissatisfied. Last year, him, this year, me. Of course I hate myself for knowing it, that I’m not myself, and still not being able to do anything about it. We can’t even talk about Tetsu-kun without fighting. Even though we both like Tetsu-kun. Maybe, if Dai-chan knew that my like wasn’t that different from his, after all…

But that’s not something I could even begin to explain to him. If I tolf him that I was fooling myself about being in love with Tetsu-kun, Dai-chan would ask _why_ on earth would anyone do that.

And I don’t want to go there.

Not ever.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Inspiration music:
> 
> Two Pieces - Demi Lovato  
> The Analyst - Delta Goodrem


	3. The Flower Garden of the Woman Who Knew Magic

_But if I’m being honest, this is where the similarities end. From there on, my life was not a replica of that old fairy tale._

It’s a sunny day, so I try to put myself into a sunny mood. I look at myself in the mirror, and smile. People have always said that I have a nice smile. So, smiling should be something that suits me. It’s handy, too, that I’m so used to keeping a smile on my face all the time. After all, if I just smile, most people couldn’t possibly tell there’s anything wrong.

My hair looks good today. And it’s so sunny I can still wear my favourite summer dress. Little things like these can lift the mood, even on a bad day, so, maybe I don’t have to force a smile today. Not that it would necessarily work on Tetsu-kun anyway.

We meet at our usual meeting place.

I see him smile at me from a distance. And it’s such a relaxed, gentle smile that I find myself thinking: Maybe, if I tried again, if I really tried, honestly, I could still fall in love with him. But that’s such a stupid thought. What good would that do to me? How could it do me any good? I have to get out of this loop somehow. That’s the part Dai-chan was right about.

I think Tetsu-kun has been smiling more this year. More easily. I thought he was stiff when I met him in middle school. And I thought he was tense last year, almost all the time, like he was stretching his mind to the breaking point. But this year… he’s more relaxed. I can’t deny that, even though I don’t know exactly why that is. And I hate that it makes me somehow uneasy, just a little bit. Just like everyone else does. I guess it’s just this thought, that everyone else is so fine and I’m falling behind. I hate it, because I should be so happy. I should be exhilarated that everyone is doing fine after everything.

Just one more reason for self-loathing.

Habits are hard to break. That’s why my new one differs only slightly (but significantly) from my old habit: Instead of throwing myself at Tetsu-kun, I hug him properly. And he hugs me back. That’s how I know that everything is fine between us. Or, at least, it’s going to be. Once nothing in my life is bothering me anymore. Then everything will just be perfect.

– Good morning, Momoi-san.

– Good morning, Tetsu-kun! I’m so glad you could make it!

And he looks so honestly happy to see me. Why does it have to give me this sting of guilt?

Then I quickly draw my hands away from his shoulders.

– I’m sorry! People could think we’re on a date or something…, I mutter. He just tilts his head and smiles.

– Lately, I think it might not be worth it, to be too concerned about what other people think, he says.

Okay, well if he can say that, then obviously he doesn’t have anyone, girl or… otherwise. Dai-chan is just deluded. I should just stop playing games altogether and just enjoy a day with him, right?

– You look happy, Tetsu-kun, I say then. – Did you have good summer?

He smiles more, and I think there’s… some colour on his face.

– I did. Well, good, and… eventful, he says, suddenly looking a little absent-minded.

– Oh, I’m still so shocked about that accident Akashi-kun told us about! You are sure you’re okay, right?

He nods.

– Thanks to Akashi-kun, actually.

– Really? Wasn’t Kagamin there, too?

– Kagami-kun was… distracted at the time.

So, it does appear they were there alone then, I guess. No other Seirin guys. Well, whatever, Dai-chan, that still doesn’t prove anything. And I should seriously stop thinking about this.

I take Tetsu-kun to my favourite shops. I show him my long shopping list, and I guess I’m a little disappointed that he doesn’t look the least alarmed. More like curious. What’s wrong with me? Shouldn’t I be happy to have company who can actually manage to look interested?

I get distracted by a pair of sunset orange curtains I see at the back of one shop. Somehow, the colour seems really soothing. I wonder if Mom would give me enough money to buy them. My room has been so pink for so long. Pink, pink, pink. Who says I’ll always have to be pink?

When I turn, Tetsu-kun has disappeared. Figures, right? This always happens at some point…

Suddenly, he’s behind me, calling for me. I manage not to jump.

– Wasn’t this item on your list? he asks.

– What? I blurt immediately, while I’m still looking at it.

– Um… a lilac pillow case with crochet loop stitches? he says, looking at the pillow case in his hands. And it really is the exact same thing I saw in a catalogue.

I blink.

– How do you even know what a crochet loop stitch is? I ask.

He tilts his head.

– My grandmother sews, he says. That doesn’t sound surprising. I’m more surprised that he would remember something like that. I guess Tetsu-kun never stops surprising me.

– Thanks, I manage to say. – I guess you were always good at finding things.

He smiles a tiny smile.

It turns out he finds at least half of the items on my list before me. We don’t find everything, though, mostly just the ones I looked up in advance. It’s way harder to find anything that matches my own vague imagination of how I’d like my room to look like. Tetsu-kun tries his best to help me anyway. It’s kinda cute, I guess.

But lately, it’s infuriating for me, when things don’t go my way. I’m about ready to bite the shop attendant’s head off when they can’t find me a simple white bed cover to go with the lilac pillow cases. In reality, I just smile pleasantly, of course.

– How about this?

It’s Tetsu-kun. He’s holding something that looks like a bed cover. I frown.

– It’s black, I say. He nods.

– Your walls are still white, aren't they? he asks. I nod.

– Well, I can see why you would pick lilac with white. But if you don’t mind me saying… wouldn’t a black bed cover give nice contrast?

I just blink at him. For a second I don’t know what else to do, because he’s right. Besides, black suits my current mood way better than any lighter colour.

I frown.

– How are you so good at this?

He blinks now, like he's surprised. I grab the bed cover from him.

– I was just… suggesting, he says.

– Well, you give _good_ suggestions, I say, still frowning at the cover in the package. It looks like a nice smooth fabric, too.

Tetsu-kun seems to lean a bit closer to me.

– In that case… Can I ask why you look like… you aren’t too happy? he asks with a soft tone. I almost startle. I was supposed to be so happy today. I sigh, and shake my head.

– Sorry, Tetsu-kun. It’s not you. It’s just… the world, I guess.

Then I excuse myself and go buy the stuff we’ve found, including the bed cover.

He waits for me at the door, and I try to look normal and smile again. But we walk the streets in silence for a while.

– Sorry, if I looked weird back there, I say, because I just feel like I have to. – I’m happy, I really am. I mean, I’m used to shopping with Dai-chan, who doesn’t really care. I’m surprised, and happy, that you actually gave real suggestions, not just something that would get us out of the store as fast as possible. I’m happy.

But he still looks concerned. I feel stupid.

– I really don’t have anything against shopping, he says.

I nod.

– Well, most guys don’t really care for it, at least, not the kind of meticulous shopping that I do.

He smiles a tiny smile.

– Well, you are a meticulous person, Momoi-san. But don’t worry, I do things like this all the time with Granny.

– Oh, I say scratching my head. – You really are not… most guys. I guess I should remember that.

There’s another silence while we just walk. Then he says:

– Can I… ask what it is that’s bothering you?

I let out a long sigh.

– Of course you can. But the truth is, I just really wanted to enjoy the weekend, and not worry about those things. Besides, I wouldn’t even know where to begin.

But I wasn’t able to enjoy things. I almost willingly brought all the baggage with me, to every moment today.

– I just hate being so weak, I say silently, then.

Tetsu-kun looks at me seriously, and says:

– You are not weak, Momoi-san.

I laugh.

– Really? You’ve never in your life thought that I’m weak? That I’m pathetic, and clingy, and…

– No, he says. – If anything, I’ve always thought that you’re much stronger than me.

I shake my head, and laugh again, only to realize that suddenly, I’m holding back tears.

– How can you even say that to me? I whisper. – After everything… After everything that I’ve done…

– Because it’s true, he says simply.

I don’t know what else to say. I didn’t want to talk. At all. Why did I even open my mouth? Why is it, that every time I see him these days, I talk way too much? It’s like he’s inviting me to pour my heart out, just by being there. I don’t get it.

– It’s… been a long day, already, he says then. – Aren’t you hungry?

I manage a nod. He smiles again.

– How about you come back home with me?

I blink.

– Are you sure I wouldn’t be intruding?

– Of course not. I’m sure Granny would be happy to see you, he says.

So, that’s where I find myself. I think I’ve only been to Tetsu-kun’s place once before, and I don’t think I’ve met his grandmother more than a couple of times. So, it’s a bit much to say she’d be that happy to see me. It’s not like I really know her. But I guess she would be the kind of grandmother who cares about every one of Tetsu-kun’s friends.

Their house is small, smaller than mine, even if it has upstairs. The rooms seem so tiny and crammed together. Actually, it’s quite cosy. Besides, all of his family is rather small. Even his dad isn’t that much taller than him. And they’re all easy-going, friendly people who can make a small house feel welcoming. Well, they still have different flavours. Tetsu-kun’s mom is all cotton. She looks like nothing in the world could possibly bother her. And the grandmother is the spunkiest grandma I’ve ever seen. Nothing like my own traditionalist grandmother. But still, she seems like a soft person. His dad seems to have the most edge, sort of a sharp twinkle in his eye, or maybe it’s the way he smiles, showing his teeth, unlike the rest of the family.

Also, it appears that all the adults have been cooking the food _together_. My parents would never do that. They would think it’s a waste of resources or something. It just makes me wonder what kind of a woman would want to live _and_ do things like these together with her mom _and_ her husband. I think the grandmother is Tetsu-kun’s mother’s mother, anyway. Which seems odd too. Whenever I’ve met someone living with their grandparent, it’s usually the father’s parent.

What an odd family this is. No wonder Tetsu-kun still seems like an odd person to me, every now and then. I’ve heard that you have to meet someone’s family to really understand them, but his family just makes me kind of confused. All I can say for sure is, that Tetsu-kun’s background is not nearly as mainstream as one might think.

I offer to help with the dishes, but Tetsu-kun’s dad says it’s nonsense, and then the grandmother looks at me, well, my hair, specifically, and says:

– I’m sorry, but can I ask you for a favour instead? There’s this complicated braid I’ve been really itching to get a chance to try out, but no one in this house has long enough hair, she says, and looks at Tetsu-kun’s mother who smiles apologetically, and then her eyes stop at Tetsu-kun, too. He looks at his grandmother, and says:

– For my part, I apologize for not having long hair. I’ll get right to it.

The grandmother laughs and says:

– How about, instead of being sassy, you run to the shop for me, while I bother your friend. I’m out of white yarn. I mean, if she’s okay with me bothering her? she says and looks at me.

I nod.

– Of course! I’ll be glad to be of help, if I can, I say.

She smiles at me like she’s really happy for such a small thing.

– I’m sure you would really love Murasakibara-kun, too, Tetsu-kun says to the grandmother then. – He looks like he’s filming a shampoo commercial when he plays basketball. You would have a lot of fun with him. That is, if you could find a way to reach his head to braid it…

It’s so weird, hearing Tetsu-kun joke so freely, that I just stand silently and watch him and his grandmother. He’s so different from normal when he’s at home with his family, or so it appears to me at least.

Soon he has gone out the door, the parents are washing dishes, _together_ , which still seems odd to me, and I’m left in the living room with the grandmother. She compliments my hair as she brushes it and says I must take good care of it, which I have to admit I have tried my best to do. It turns out it really is no ordinary braid she’s doing, it takes such a long time. She also uses this plastic hook thing, and she has to carefully follow the instructions from her phone. Yeah. A grandmother who uses her cell phone to look for new braining techniques. And I get the feeling that she could surprise me, even shock me, much further. I realize that she’s using beads too. I remember that Tetsu-kun said she was good at sewing. I think she must be a really crafty person.

The silence is starting to feel unsettling to me. I don’t usually find it hard to talk to people. What’s with me today?

– Tetsu-kun was a great help for me today, in redecorating my room, I say, just to say something, really. – I assume it is you I should be thanking for it, too.

She chuckles.

– I guess you could put it that way. We are the visual people of the family, so I guess he couldn’t have gotten that from anyone else but me, she says, sounding happy and proud. Then she continues:

– He’s always really happy to see you, which I’m sure you know. I’m glad he has a girl as nice as you as a friend. I think you have a good influence on that shy boy. Maybe you’ll get him out of his shell a little.

Shy? Tetsu-kun? I guess I’ve never thought about him that way.

Then the grandmother sighs a little.

– Of course, I’m a worried granny and he would hate to know I said that, she says with a chuckle.

I find myself biting my teeth. Then I say:

– I’m not sure I’m such a nice girl.

There’s a smile in the grandmother’s voice when she says:

– Oh?

But I don’t say anything to that. She doesn’t say anything more either. She finished the braid in silence. Then she asks me to come to the bathroom so she can show me. She puts a mirror behind me, and what I see is positively the most intricate, delicate hair arrangement I have ever worn. Wider and thinner braids start from all over my head and come together in complicated patterns, eventually forming just one braid at the end. And the white beads woven here and there, making almost a star-like pattern, go perfectly with my hair and my summer dress.

– Wow, is all I get out of my mouth for a moment.

– You like it? she asks cheerfully.

I nod.

It’s not exactly my style. It’s not something I would’ve decided to wear myself. But just seeing something so complicated and beautiful on my head, makes me want to never take it off.

– Hold on, she says then and gestures me to come with her. – Just a couple of white flowers would make it perfect. Of course, they hardly last a day, but… It’s still summer. It’ll be worth it.

I follow her, and she leads me back to the living room, and then out the backdoor, to their small, box-like backyard. It’s full of flowers. I blink at the brightness of all the different colours. It’s so small, and so full. How can this woman manage to keep all these different flowers alive, when they're growing so close together?

She picks up three white violets and adds them to my hair with her gentle but quick hands.

– Perfect, she says.

And I look at the tiny flower garden, in the blinding sunlight, and suddenly, it just feels like all those rainbow colours, crammed together and still thriving, are so, so beautiful, that I can’t stop it… The tears I held back earlier today, roll on my face.

Of course the grandmother notices it.

– What is it dear? Are you alright?

And I find myself shaking my head. No. I’m not alright. I’m so far from alright, and I have been for a long time. And it’s silly, because I barely know this woman, and she barely knows me, but suddenly she seems to embody something ancient for me. Like she’s an old, good witch of a sort. Someone who knows all the secrets of womanhood, because how else could she look like that? How else could she look so at ease with herself?

– Sit down, dear, she says and we both sit down on the porch.

– I’m sorry, I mumble. – I’m sorry.

– No, dear, there’s nothing to be sorry for. I still remember my youth. I’m sure nothing you could say would shock me.

And she smiles at me, so gently.

I swallow, and without being able to look at her, I say:

– I just can’t stand it lately. People… anyone… being nice to me. Because, I… I just feel like a horrible person all the time. I feel like, no matter what I do, it’s useless. Everything just… spins out of control.

And then I sob, and this woman, who is almost a stranger to me, rubs my back and comforts me.

– Look, I can tell that you’re a good girl. And good girls… good people, they are just way too hard on themselves, she says.

– But I _haven’t_ been a good girl lately. I’ve treated my friends badly. Even Tetsu-kun, I say and sob. – And none of them, not him either, have done anything do deserve it.

– Everyone makes mistakes, she says gently. – Everyone is… confused, about their feelings sometimes. God knows I have made mistakes and treated people badly, for my own selfish reasons. That doesn’t make you a bad person. You just have to be honest with yourself and, eventually, make peace.

– Everyone keeps saying that, I say and sniff. – Everyone says I have to be honest with myself.

The grandmother tilts her head and smiles gently, in a way, that suddenly reminds me a lot about Tetsu-kun.

– Maybe those people say that, because they don’t like to see you suffer. And because they like the genuine you.

I wonder if she’s the reason Tetsu-kun can so readily forgive people. Because he has a grandmother like this, because he was more or less brought up by this woman. A woman who feels to me like she’s from a fairy tale.

But when I think that, I remember the fairy tale that I read yesterday, and maybe because she told me to be honest, and because she, a woman, who reminds me so much about Tetsu-kun, is there in front of me, my memories from the past two years come crashing down into me again, and I can’t stop thinking what I’ve thought so many times, and then buried just as many. This thought:

If Dai-chan was Kai, I wasn’t Gerda.

It was Tetsu-kun.

I just thought it was me. I thought I was doing everything in my power. But in the end, it was Tetsu-kun who saved him. After all, who is more like my idealized Gerda? The one who will go the distance? Reinvent themselves? Prove that love conquers all? Doesn’t that sound so much more like him, than me?

Wasn’t he always like that, since I met him?

No wonder I thought I should fall in love with him. No wonder I wanted to turn him into my perfect prince. Because I just couldn’t stand it, that the real life person who embodied my personal definition of a perfect woman, was a guy instead.

I just couldn’t stand it.

Once I’ve stopped crying and dried my eyes, the grandmother lets me have a moment alone in the bathroom and cool my eyes with water, without me asking. Thank God, my eyes didn’t have time to get too puffy. Having to explain to anyone else why I was crying, would be just the end of me, right now.

I get out, when I feel refreshed enough and I see that nobody is in sight. I think Tetsu-kun must be getting back soon, so… I’m sure he wouldn’t mind if I waited for him in his room? I tip toe upstairs, and open and close the door quietly.

Back when I was here for the first time, I thought there was a gloomy air in his room. Now, I don’t know if the room has changed or not, but I think it’s just… very calm. Very much like him. I sit on the edge of his bed. Everything is just as small as everywhere else in the house. Except his bookshelf. It takes up one wall. It’s also the most colourful aspect of the room. Otherwise it’s a mixture of grey, blue, black and white, but the bookshelf screams all colours I can think of. I’m looking at it, when I hear footsteps, and then Tetsu-kun steps in.

– Granny said you would probably be here, he says, then looks at my hair and smiles. – It’s beautiful. You look… like a princess.

I’m going to answer something. I open my mouth, but nothing that I planned, comes out. Instead, I just suddenly blurt at him:

– Are you and Kagamin together?

Tetsu-kun freezes. He was just about to close the door, but his hand stops. Then he moves again and closes it, staring at me. Like he can’t look away.

I sigh.

– So, it is a thing, I say. – You and him.

Then he nods. Just once. A stiff nod.

So, I nod too and sigh again.

– I guess I should be relieved, I say then. Tetsu-kun still looks tense, but his eyes open a little.

– Relieved?

I nod.

– Because then, the reason you didn’t fall in love with me, wasn’t because I wasn’t feminine enough, I say.

And those might just be the most honest words I’ve said to him today, or… in a long time.

He scratches his head. His expression turns difficult.

– I don’t think..., he starts, hesitates, and continues. – I don’t think that… something like that would be… relevant. For me.

So, what can I do, but sigh again?

– Then why couldn’t you? Why _him_? Why not me?

I know it sounds so stupid. Like I’m just whining.

Tetsu-kun moves to sit on the chair next to his desk, facing me.

– Why… Kagami-kun? he repeats, almost to himself and shakes his head. – That’s a question I don’t have an answer for. But, Momoi-san, hasn’t the problem… or, not a problem, but.. the situation… between us… hasn’t it always been that _you_ don’t really think of me that way?

I freeze.

He knows.

Of course he knows. I feel so stupid.

– How did you know? I ask.

He sighs, like he’s relieved that it’s finally out there.

– I’m sorry, he says. – I just… I just never got the feeling that you were being… genuine. About it.

I sigh.

– So, I…, he starts, and he’s not quite looking at me when he says:

– I… had my own ideas about why you did what you did, but… Can I still throw that question back at you? I mean… why me?

I sigh again. And it’s all bubbling to the surface now. Begging me to let it out, to clear the air. It makes my face hot.

– Because, I was jealous of you, I say.

Tetsu-kun lifts his eyes up to me. Finally, I’ve surprised him. It almost makes me smile. Almost.

– I was jealous of you, I say again, because maybe it’s just liberating to say it. – You were… pretty much exactly the kind of person I thought I should be. You were always… Kind, and quiet, and gentle, and understanding… and still, you also managed to be strong and never give up and find a less aggressive, more discreet way to make it in a world that clearly wasn’t made with you in mind. And that’s… that’s what _I_ always aspired to be.

He just looks at me with open eyes, without a word.

Now I smile.

– I just didn’t know how to deal with it. I didn’t know how to accept that you were everything I thought I should be, because… you weren’t girl. And that’s why… the only way that I knew how to deal with my feelings was to convince myself that I was in love with you. Because then it shouldn’t matter. So I…

But then, the tears come again. Of course they do. I’ve just confessed the ugly truth about myself.

– I’m sorry, Tetsu-kun. You wanted to be my friend from the start. But all I did was put more and more distance between us, because I couldn’t deal. I convinced myself that you were keeping me at an arm's length, but the truth is, I was just pushing you away, more and more. And yet… I wanted to be your friend too. From the very beginning. I knew that you and I were similar enough to make good friends. But… I just though… I just thought you were so much better than me, and I couldn’t stand it.

I let out a deep sigh and wipe my eyes.

He’s still looking at me, like he doesn’t quite believe what he’s hearing.

– But… Momoi-san…, he says then. – It’s the same for me. I…. I always thought I wanted to be like you.

– Me? How can you want to be like me! I almost laugh.

He looks at me seriously.

– You have… most of the time, no trouble being loud and direct. You can… talk to people easily, make friends easily. You can… get mad, and storm out of the room, and expect things to be normal in an hour, instead of thinking the world is ending. You… even if you are rejected, you stick to people. You stick close to them, instead of watching them from a distance, and hoping that maybe, one day they’ll miss you like you miss them. You can… tell people, if you’re not happy with them. I… I always thought I should be more like you.

I look at him, and another stream of tears soaks my face. Even if that’s true, doesn’t it just prove that he’s a better person than me? Because he was able to admit it from the start. He didn’t need to make excuses for feeling like that towards a girl. Maybe it never even crossed his mind that it would make it somehow different. While I was _so_ in my own head.

Then I just start laughing and crying like and idiot.

– I’m sorry, Tetsu-kun. I’m so sorry I made our friendship so difficult, I say.

– No, I… I’m sure if I had been direct with you from the start…

Then he hands me a tissue. I blow my nose and wipe my face.

– I’m sorry, I’ve been… Well, I’ve just been a mess lately.

He nods like he understands.

– If you… If you want to talk to someone… Well, I’m sure you have other people to talk to, but… in case you don’t… I can listen, too.

I just nod rapidly. I know I could talk to him. But I’m probably just not ready to talk to anyone, not really. Because if I do…

Instead I say:

– Even so, I’m a little happy. That it’s Kagamin. For you. Someone I can’t compare myself to. So I can still hold onto my fragile feminine ego, I say with a laugh.

Tetsu-kun tilts his head.

– Well, I wouldn’t say so, necessarily. I think there’s plenty in common with you and Kagami-kun.

I look at him with wide eyes.

– Me and Kagamin??

He smiles.

– First, your temper, he says.

– What are you saying?? I’m hardly as angry as him!

I’m aware it sounds a little futile, since I’m practically yelling.

But he just smiles.

– No, maybe not. I think it’s more like… Kagami-kun, on a good day, can be as friendly as you on a normal day. And you, on a bad day… can be as aggressive as Kagami-kun on a normal day.

I frown at him but I can’t help a small laugh.

– Well, _thank_ _you_ , so much for comparing me to that brute.

He smiles again.

– He’s not a brute, though, he says, with such a soft tone of voice, and gentle expression that it almost makes _me_ blush. _Good God_ , he must be in love. What a weird though. But I guess I should actually be happy that he compared me to his… boyfriend. Oh my goodness, that’s going to take me some getting used to.

And, as I always suspected, ever since he first pointed it out, Dai-chan was right.

Dai-chan.

Dai-chan, Dai-chan, Dai-chan. Where have I got to run or hide anymore? I start sobbing again.

Tetsu-kun gets up and sits beside me. He puts his hand over my shoulders. I cry into the tissue.

– I’m sorry, I say and sniff. – There’s a… there’s another reason I _needed_ to fall in love with someone. I just needed to have _someone_ like that. I’m sorry it had to be you.

He rubs my back, just like his grandmother did.

– It’s okay, he says. – I know.

And when he says that, I think that my world is about to shatter to a million little pieces. A million little mirror pieces.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Inspiration music:
> 
> My Version of You - Beth Crowley  
> Brick by Boring Brick - Paramore


	4. The Prince and the Princess

_I think I needed that story to be about me, because I think that I need to go through every possible hardship before I can earn someone’s love. Before it’s really even worth it to want their love._

I understand where Tetsu-kun was coming from now, when he said he hadn’t really been himself around me. And it’s all my fault. It’s because I was shoving him into this box of a love interest. My personal Prince Charming. I wanted him to be it. But all that time, all he wanted was for me to look at him and see _myself_. Not someone _other_. He just wanted to share the things that we both liked. He just wanted to be a real friend to me.

I think what finally broke me, was the possibility that he was going out with a guy. I think that was the final nail in the coffin of me separating us for something so superficial as gender. I didn’t think it was superficial before. I think girls and boys are different. We have different rules, different upbringing, and more. But, now it just seems that… If he likes my favourite anime for the same reason as I do… If he reads the same books as I read… If he can tell what kind of bed cover will change my room for the better when I can’t… and… if he can even understand what it’s like to be in love with a boy…

Then, he can understand _all_ of me. I can’t understand what he wouldn’t be able to understand about me. I don’t understand what more there _is_ … and suddenly the fact that he’s a boy seems like the most irrelevant thing that could be. So, I see it now, Tetsu-kun. I look at you, and I can really look at you, and see myself, instead of everything I thought you _should_ be instead of my mirror. My friend.

And I feel stupid and immature.

But since I’ve gotten this far, there’s just no going back anymore. From me, that is. From all the thoughts and feelings I’ve harboured these years, that I’ve tried to change into something else, a more acceptable form. Into something I would benefit from. Something that would serve in my personal story, a story that I learned as a child in so many ways, and nourished while growing up.

A story of a princess and her prince.

I made Dai-chan play it with me. I made him play my prince. Sometimes it was queen and king. He didn’t complain. Much. Okay, at some point he started complaining, but not long before I grew out of that game myself.

But the thing is… I’m afraid I never grew out that game. Not completely. It just changed form.

They say that kids play as to prepare for adulthood.

They’re right.

This time I look at him straight in the eye as he sits in front of me at lunch break. He raises his eyebrow at me. I smile and turn to my bag.

– You were right. About Tetsu-kun and Kagamin, I say as cheerfully as I can. He looks at me with a deep frown.

– Um, great. That you cleared that up.

I nod.

– I assume you had already talked about it with Tetsu-kun. That’s why you were so sure.

He looks at me with narrow eyes. Then shrugs.

– Sort of, he says. I nod, and giggle.

– You think it’s funny? he asks. I shake my head.

– No, it’s just… I’m not really in love with Tetsu-kun, so… you don’t have to worry about me anymore. And you don’t have to wonder how their relationship will affect me.

Dai-chan says nothing. He just stares at me, and his eyes turn… kinda cold.

– What are you talking about, Satsuki? You followed him around over two years, he says and doesn’t look at me.

Why doesn’t he look more surprised? Why do his eyes and words say different things?

I shrug.

– I should’ve gotten over it ages ago, anyway, I say. – So, now I’m over it. You happy?

He doesn’t look happy.

Why doesn’t he look happy?

It should’ve made him happy.

I remember when I was just seven years old, and Dai-chan was still living next door to me. Both of our parents went somewhere that day, I have forgotten the reason, but we were left alone together for a few hours. It was so exciting. It was one of the first times I got to be in an empty house, without my parents, for a somewhat extended period of time.

I was already feeling weird and sneezy that morning, and then drowsy during the day at school, but just the opportunity to play hide and seek with Dai-chan in an empty house got my energy to peak again. And then we ran around playing tag, even though our parents always reminded us not to run inside, especially not on the stairs.

So, I was running after Dai-chan, even though I had started to feel weak again. I was actually already running a high fever at the time, but I didn’t want to stop, because I didn’t want to lose. But eventually, I had to stop because my head started to feel so dizzy, and then my vision went dark for a moment, and I fell down the stairs. Just a little bit. I didn’t hurt myself that much, I just got bruises on my knees and elbow.

But Dai-chan got so scared. When I told him I needed to lie down, he started crying and called an ambulance. My parents were so mad at me, and his parents were so mad at him. But they couldn’t stop him from sneaking to my room at night, via the big tree that was growing between our balconies, to ask me if I was okay. It wasn’t the first time his parents had to ring the neighbour door bell, to find Dai-chan sleeping beside me on my bed.

Dai-chan always took care of me.

Even that time in elementary school when everyone in our class decided that soccer was the thing to do during breaks. Well, the boys did. But I wanted to play too. So, Dai-chan told them he wouldn’t play if I didn’t. “No girls” they said. To which Dai-chan said: “Satsuki is just Satsuki”. And that was that. I guess they really wanted Dai-chan to play, because he was always good at sports. But, I wasn’t any worse than the other guys in our class. At that age, there was no difference. So, I was never questioned again. I did stop playing with them, because the girls started saying I acted like a boy. But, the point is, that Dai-chan always had my back.

Even when I started acting like a little princess, by the end of elementary school.

"What do you mean you can’t play outside today?” he would ask.

“I can’t. It’s raining. My dress will get dirty,” I’d say, or something equally dumb. But Dai-chan wouldn’t ask me to change clothes. He would just go away and appear at my door again in a few moments with a board game or something.

Like a true Prince Charming.

Not that we didn’t fight. We fought a lot. At times he called me boring, and he was right. Still, there wasn’t a day in middle school when he didn’t want to hang out with me.

And when we were alone, he still wanted me to play basketball with him. Even though he had to go so easy on me for it to work at all. He never complained that it was boring. Not until _everything_ was boring to him, of course.

– Satsuki-chan, you look better today! Mari-chan says when she comes to catch up with me during a break that day. Usually I take turns with all of my friends to visit everyone’s class, since we’re so scattered this year. But I haven’t really been going these days.

– Better? I ask as if don’t know what she means. Mari-chan has this habit that she can say anything if it sounds positive but never points negative things out directly, and it annoys me.

She looks a little awkward.

– Well, the others were saying you haven’t really been… your cheerful self, she says.

I see. Well, I haven’t, okay. But for some reason they never came to ask me about it. Looks like they just assume I’ve ditched them. This is exactly why I sometimes hate girl groups. But, at least Mari-chan came to see me today. Maybe she isn’t quite as quick to judge as the others.

– I’ve been in my thoughts a lot lately, I say. Even if she’s annoying, I think she’s trying her best, so I shouldn’t take it out on her.

– Oh? she says, her big sympathetic eyes widening. – Could it be… heartbreak? she asks in a whisper, like it’s difficult for her to say something that implies pain.

I chuckle a little.

– I guess you could say that. But really, I don’t want to talk about it. That’s why I haven’t been talking to anyone lately, I say.

– Oh, I understand! Mari-chan says eagerly. She’s always eager to “understand”. If you can make her think you trust her to understand, then she’ll rarely ask anything more about it.

– I can talk to the girls for you, don’t worry, she says. She’s always happy to have a job to do. I guess simple people like her can be a blessing.

– Thank you, Mari-chan. I appreciate it, I say, and she’s all smiles for the rest of the break, and we just talk about this and that. It’s just that the more I talk with her, the less I feel I want to go back to see any of the girls anytime soon.

It’s not that I don’t like them anymore. It’s just that we don’t match right now. It’s not the kind of group where you can share all your thoughts. If you’re moody, it’s better to stay away, because you will just make everyone moody and then nobody wants to talk about it. I like being with them, when nobody has problems more substantial than the crush who didn’t like them back. (I guess I could technically excuse my moodiness with Tetsu-kun rejecting me, but I’m tired of telling the lie at this point.)

I can just hope, that if Mari-chan talks about my heartbreak to them, they’ll still be there for me when the days get better. That’s when I like them. They’re fun, we have inside jokes, we like the same magazines and TV shows. I don’t care if all our talk is superficial. I need something like that. On most days, I’m not like I’ve been lately. I don’t think about sad, complicated and heart-breaking things, if I can help it. It’s just that lately I _can’t_ help it. And they wouldn’t understand that.

There’s always been that part of me, that they won’t understand. And it’s the part that seems to be demanding the most attention right now. It’s always been nagging at me, not just with them, but some other girls too. It’s the crush thing. The boy thing. I just never… idolized boys the way others did. I thought maybe I had just been around guys too much. I thought that was why I didn’t really crush on people. Because I didn’t think that boys were a mystery to me. (I guess at some point I thought I should, hence Tetsu-kun, but I really don’t wanna go there anymore.)

I guess it’s about time to admit to myself why I didn’t see eye-to-eye with the other girls, and why I thought they wouldn’t understand.

It’s just that I never… had _room_ for a crush.

– Dai-chan. You know that I’m fine right? I say one lunch break.

He looks up to me with that weary look he often has these days. I’m not sure what it means.

– What’s that supposed to mean? he grunts.

– I’m just saying. You don’t have to worry about me anymore.

He shrugs.

– Do you think I’m sitting here because I’m worried about you? he says without looking at me.

It makes me kind of happy.

– Are you free this Saturday? I ask Dai-chan the next day. He looks up at me and I still can’t read his expression.

– Yeah, why?

I shrug.

– No particular reason. I just want to go out.

He shrugs.

– Sure, whatever.

I smile.

Friday night I call Tetsu-kun.

– Would your grandmother happen to be free to… do what she did to my hair the other day again… tomorrow morning? I ask.

I stand in front of a shop window, looking at my reflection. For once, I feel good about everything I see. I must really be in a good mood today. I’m wearing a mint green dress, with lace on the hem. Tetsu-kun’s grandmother was able to find beads exactly the same shade, to put in my hair. Everything’s going weirdly perfectly. It’s another sunny day, too.

I turn and see that Dai-chan is coming towards me. He already sounded weird when I told him I would meet him in the city, since we still don’t live that far apart, and now that he looks at me, his expression is even more confused. But it’s fine. I don’t mind confusing him.

– Why do you look like you’re going to a wedding or your grandmother's birthday, or something? What are we doing today? Is there something you’re not telling me? he starts questioning, when he stops in front of me. I just smile at him and giggle. He raises a brow.

– Can’t a girl dress up when she wants to?

– Um, sure, he says, frowning. – It’s just… _this_ doesn’t look a whole lot like you.

I shrug and smile wider.

– Maybe… I’m trying to reinvent myself?

He frowns.

– What’s wrong with the old you?

I chuckle.

– _Everything_ , Dai-chan. Just, everything.

He shakes his head.

– There’s nothing wrong with you, he says. – I don’t know where you got that idea.

I sigh and laugh simultaneously.

– No, honestly, it’s just clothes, Dai-chan. Change is good sometimes. Refreshing.

He shrugs.

– If you say so.

Then he looks at the basket in my hand and frowns.

– What are we doing?

I grin.

– We’re going to have a picnic.

His frown deepens.

– You asked me out here for a picnic?

– No, I hadn’t decided what I wanted to do back then. But I woke up this morning and wanted to have a picnic.

He raises his brows.

– You have such odd moods lately, he mumbles. Then he looks worried.

– Um… you didn’t… You didn’t cook yourself, did you?

I frown at him and say:

– No, I didn’t, thank you very much. I wouldn’t even have had time to! Don’t worry. It’s all perfectly edible convenience food. Plus leftovers from home.

Dai-chan sighs, obviously relieved. Does he _have_ to make a big deal out of it? I already know I can’t cook.

– Fine, he says with a shrug. – Let’s have a picnic then.

I smile and lead the way.

The weather is really on my side. Everything seems to go smoothly today. We find a good spot in a park with such a nice green lawn, and trees to give some privacy. The summer’s gonna be over soon, so this might be one of the last weekends to enjoy a day as sunny as this.

I packed all Dai-chan’s favourite things, so there shouldn’t be anything for him to complain about, even if it’s a makeshift picnic with almost no real homemade food.

– So, what inspired your new style? Dai-chan asks when we eat, like he’s trying to be casually interested now. It’s kind of cute. It makes me giggle. Dai-chan raises his brows, like I’m being weird. Maybe I do giggle a lot today.

– What, doesn’t it suit me? I ask. He rolls his eyes.

– I didn’t say that.

I shrug and lay down on the blanket under us.

– Don’t they say that a girl is at her prettiest at seventeen? I say and grin at Dai-chan, who looks as confused as ever. – I just thought maybe it was the time to try to be girly instead of… womanly.

– Why do you have to _try_ to be anything, Satsuki?

– Why? Does it bother you?

He shrugs.

I shake my head and giggle again.

– You just don’t understand girls.

He raises a brow.

– Fine, then, he mumbles.

– Oh shoot, I let out then. – I forgot to put sunscreen on my feet! It’s in the bag behind you.

Dai-chan frowns, reaches out for the bag, and finds the tube.

– Why don’t you help me while your at it? I say and kick my sandals off.

– I’m eating! Dai-chan says and frowns deeper.

– You have bigger hands so you’ll be faster. And I have wet wipes in that bag too so you can wash your hands.

He still frowns, like he really doesn’t get anything.

– Whatever, I guess. If that makes you happy.

– Of course it does, I say, take a cosier position on my back, putting my hands behind my head and close my eyes. I enjoy the sun on my face and Dai-chan rubs the sunscreen all over my feet. I actually never thought it would be so easy to make him do that! Maybe it’s because I’ve been sad and weird lately… Maybe I should be sad and weird more often.

– Happy? he says when he stops and I hear the tube snap closed in his hand.

– I am, thank you, I say with a smile on my face, but I don’t open my eyes yet. When I take a peek, Dai-chan is just eating again, looking somewhere over the horizon. Meh. I was half hoping that he would be looking at me. But it’s okay. Because I feel so good right now. I feel so free and relaxed in this dress, almost like I’m free from my usual stress. I feel like I’m under a spell. A spell that Tetsu-kun’s grandmother wove in my hair.

On a whim, I pick a dandelion that’s growing just beside me on the lawn. I sit up and put it behind Dai-chan’s ear. He looks at me with a frown. I chuckle when he takes it off and looks at it in his hand. Then he turns and pokes the tip of my nose with it.

– What are you doing, Satsuki?

I giggle.

– Nothing! I’m just in a silly mood.

But then his hand moves further and he puts the flower behind my ear. While doing that, his other hand tugs a loose strand of hair behind my ear on the other side. I smile at him, to try to cover the fact that a blush is about to escape on my face.

And then my hand moves almost on its own, and I catch his hand before it leaves my face. He doesn’t pull away when I press his palm against my cheek. A wrinkle appears between his brows, and then he looks at me, like he’s staring deep into my eyes.

– What are you _doing_ , Satsuki? he asks again, with different intent.

– Nothing, I whisper. – Your hand is just warm.

Then he pulls his hand away and turns to sit almost his back towards me.

– It’s warm enough already, he says. – You’ll just get dizzy.

Dizzy. For some reason it makes me giggle again.

– Let’s take a selfie, I say and take out my phone. – I haven’t posted anything for a while, since I haven’t done anything post-worthy.

Dai-chan glances at me, and grunts.

– People will think we’re on a date or something, he says without looking at me.

– Since when do you care what people think, Dai-chan?

Then he turns to me and looks me in the eye. And I don’t like the look I see in them.

– I don’t give a rat’s ass what anyone else thinks, Satsuki. It’s just that I’m starting to think… I’m starting to think that _you_ think this is a date.

I freeze under those cold eyes.

It’s the same look I’ve seen in them this week. Only this time, it isn’t concealed with anything.

This isn’t how this was supposed to go.

I catch my courage right before it falls to the bottom of my stomach and dissolves. I catch it and force it back to the surface. I’m not a stranger to Dai-chan’s coldness. I know he doesn’t mean it.

– You only get that _now_? I ask and lift my chin.

He kind of snorts and shakes his head.

– No, from the beginning. I was just giving you the benefit of the doubt!

– What’s that supposed to mean!

I get up on my knees, because I don’t like him yelling down at me right now. He shakes his head again.

– You can’t just do this! You can’t just throw _this_ at me like… this!

– Why? I say with a grimace. – I’m sure I could throw _anything_ at you, and you’d be able to catch it.

– Don’t start playing word games, Satsuki! This isn’t funny!

– It’s not meant to be funny! I yell. – It’s meant to be… It’s meant to be…

– What!

– I don’t know!

– So, you don’t even know! he yells back. – That’s just great. Suddenly you’re not in love with Tetsu, and then you just start… this!

– I was _never_ in love with Tetsu-kun!

– I _know_!

And that’s when I go silent. Everything in my ears goes silent for a while. I lose the grip on my words. Dai-chan has managed to… disarm me for long enough. Nothing happens in my brain until he shakes his head again.

– You’re not… Satsuki, you’re not some… fucking mystery to me, he says. – I’ve known you my whole life! I know you!

He looks me in the eye again, and it’s… not cold. The coldness is gone. There’s just… desperation. I’m not sure which is worse.

– And you should know _me_. That’s why I don’t understand… why you bring this on me now.

My anger flares up.

– Because, don’t you think it’s about fucking time?! I yell in his face.

– No, it’s not!

– Then when is it, Dai-chan?! When we’re old and grey and gone through every other option we can think of? Well, I don’t see the point in that anymore! Because I know that you’re _it_ for me! It’s _always_ been you!

Why does he keep shaking his head?

– You’re wrong, Satsuki. I’m not _it_. There’s no it. You’ve got to stop living in your twisted fantasy. You can’t just pull me into your roleplay where you’re some damn fairy tale princess, and I’m just supposed to play along?

– No, that’s exactly what I’m trying to _stop_ doing! That’s why I’m here! Don’t you see Dai-chan? I avoided _this_ , with all my heart, for so long, because I thought that _this_ was supposed to be magic and fairy dust, and I thought that I would have to earn it through some impossible scheme of curses and heartbreak. But I always knew it would be you in the end! I just don’t wanna play anymore, I want to stop the fantasy! Let’s just skip to the end!

But he just shakes his head. He’s been doing nothing but shaking his head the whole time.

– Well, maybe I don’t want this, he says calmly. – I don’t want _this_ life.

Then he gets up, and I stare. Is he going to walk away on me?

He is.

Why am I not saying anything? There has to be something that will stop him… somewhere, in the back of my mind, I’m sure. I was prepared to argue. I was prepared to change his mind.

But I wasn’t prepared for him to look at me and say that he didn’t want me.

He doesn’t turn. He doesn’t look at me. He doesn’t stop once. And I don’t have anything to yell after him.

I’ve done it now. I’ve driven Dai-chan away from me.

I don’t think my heart breaks before I get back to my room that day. But then it really breaks. It finally shatters to those million little mirror pieces I’ve been holding inside, guarding from the world and from myself.

They say that tears have healing powers. But really, they just dry you up.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Inspiration music:
> 
> Fools - Lauren Aquilina  
> Run - Amy McDonald


	5. The Little Robber Girl

_I just don’t know anymore._

I know that Dai-chan will seek me out. I don’t need to do anything more than what I’ve already done. It’s only been one day, one Sunday I didn’t talk to him, but I had made up my mind by Monday morning. And I put my resolve right into action.

He doesn’t come to me at lunch, because he hasn’t heard yet, but I know he will.

And I’m right. Just when I’m leaving school, I’m literally just about to go through the door, when they’re there, his running footsteps, behind me.

– Satsuki! he yells after me. He sounds super annoyed.

I turn to look at him. After all, what have I got to hide anymore?

He stops and stares at me.

– What are you doing? Coach said you quit. _You_ , Satsuki! What are you doing?

I nod.

– I quit, I say.

He opens his mouth but nothing comes out. I manage a small smile. It’s my turn to talk then.

– Look, you’re right, Dai-chan. I wasn’t still properly escaping my fantasy.

He just stares at me. I look at him, and maybe because he looks so helpless, I manage to smile a bit more.

– Everything I’ve ever done, Dai-chan, I’ve done with you in mind. I wouldn’t go as far as to say _for_ you, that would be dishonest. It was for me. But I always included you. Because, somewhere, in the back of my mind there was always this idea that we would stick together. Forever. So, my every decision was in line with that. Even coming to this school.

He opens his mouth again and then closes it. I find myself nodding. What could he say to that?

– You’re right, I say. – I can’t pretend to be a princess and wait for you, or for anyone to be the prince and save me. The only one who can save me is me, Dai-chan.

I put all my heart to it, and flash him a smile.

– So, this is me escaping the fantasy. I just need to… be on my own for a while. To find what the hell it is that I’m even about. Thank you for making me see that.

Then I turn to the door, and as I push it open, I turn back to him and say:

– Goodbye, Dai-chan!

Then I run out the door without looking back and cry and cry and cry all the way home.

When I call Tetsu-kun the next day he answers quickly.

– Tetsu-kun? Can I ask you for a favour again?

_– Of course_ , he says.

– It’s a bit bigger than last time, though.

_– Just tell me_ , he says and there’s a smile in his voice. I don’t understand how I could’ve been so unappreciative of this person’s friendship. I’m such an idiot.

– Would you… happen to have any time to… teach me basketball?

There’s a silence for surprise, I guess.

– _Of course_ , he says. – _But, Momoi-san… Can I ask… Why are you not asking Aomine-kun?_

I sigh.

– Dai-chan and I are… not exactly on speaking terms right now.

There’s another silence.

– _Can I ask you… what happened?_

– Yes, I say. – And I will tell you some other time.

I think the next silence means he’s just nodding.

– _Okay. Then… What inspired this, if you don’t mind telling me?_

I know I’ll have to tell him the whole truth eventually, but for now I just say:

– I’ve been just watching for so long, you know. Of course, I’ve played with you guys, but I don’t think I’ve ever… like, really put my heart into it, because… I’m not much of an opponent for anyone. I think some new perspective might be good for me, and, well, I thought you could help me.

_– I see. Then… Why don’t you just join me and Kagami-kun some time?_

I don’t know why I wasn’t expecting that. I feel a bit of a chill.

– Uh… Kagamin? I’m not sure he would want me there.

– _I’m sure he wouldn’t mind,_ Tetsu-kun says and I can hear his smile again.

– I don’t think he has forgiven me for being a jerk, I say with a sigh.

– _Then… maybe you can settle that with basketball?_

– Tetsu-kun! How can you say that? Do you want to let him pulverize me?

He chuckles.

– _Don’t worry, I’m sure Kagami-kun will go easy on you. He doesn’t really have anything against you, if you don’t have anything against him._

I sigh again.

– Okay, fine, the more the merrier, I suppose. If you make sure it’s alright with him, then, ask me along anytime, I say.

After all, isn’t this all about going outside of my comfort zone?

So, that’s how I end up playing (or trying to play) basketball with Tetsu-kun and Kagamin a couple of nights a week. I’m so awkward in the beginning I don’t know how they put up with me. It’s been so long, I haven’t even played with Dai-chan. But, I guess Tetsu-kun understands better than anyone. And Kagamin is probably just doing it for him, even though I can tell that I get on his nerves. So, I guess I’m blessed.

I’m just trying to learn _something_. Anything. I don’t know what it is that I’m looking for. Isn’t that a blessed state, too, once in a while?

For some reason though, it seems I end up playing one-on-one with Kagamin way too much, as time goes by. I mean, what is the point of me playing against him, and not Tetsu-kun instead? It’s starting to make no sense to me. And I can tell it doesn’t make any sense to Kagamin either. He’s getting more and more frustrated at how bad I am, I can tell. I would be an idiot not to be able to tell.

I’m just waiting for him to snap, one day. I’m sure it’s coming. I’m so sure it’s coming, that he’s had it, and that’s partly why I just freeze that night, when instead of stealing the ball from my hands he just leans closer to me and looks straight into my eyes with that serious feline look I’ve seen so many times, but never up close like this. When he says:

– Why do you keep holding back?

What can I say to that? What does it even mean?

– W-what? I manage to say. I’m so out of breath just trying to keep running after this guy all the time. How can he say something like that to me? I’m doing my best here!

– Where, he says, standing up straight and looking at me from his heights. – Is your _fighting_ spirit?

I just get angry, because it should be my skill level that frustrates him, that’s what I’m trying to do here, get better! So why is he talking nonsense?

– Fighting spirit? What on earth? Maybe I just don’t have it then! I snap, and for some reason that makes Kagamin smirk at me.

– Don’t have it? he says and snorts. – Please, don’t make me laugh. You’re ruthless to the opposing team. You’ll do anything to make your team win! Where’s all that now?

I just stare at him and blink.

He sighs deeply and rubs his head, then he looks at Tetsu-kun, who is playing with his dog, and watching us.

– I can’t deal with this anymore! Kuroko, talk to her! I’ll go… I’ll go buy drinks or something!

After yelling that, he just walks away and grabs his bag, then he’s going. I blink after him, and then turn to Tetsu-kun, who is looking at me with an apologetic smile. Then he sits on the nearby bench, and I don’t have anything else to do but follow him.

– I’m sorry I’m a bother, I say, because I don’t know what else to say. Tetsu-kun shakes his head.

– No, I’m sorry. I thought Kagami-kun would be good for you.

I blink.

– What’s that supposed to mean? I ask with a frown.

– Well, the truth is that… Kagami-kun is right. About you holding back, he says, while he throws a stick for the dog to fetch. My eyes follow its way for a second, then switch back to Tetsu-kun.

– What do you mean I’m holding back? I ask. He frowns a little.

– That’s a complicated question. I’ve noticed it before, to be honest. Every time you played with us in middle school, too. I don’t know why you do it, but… it never seems like you go all out, he says. – I thought that maybe… Kagami-kun would be able to draw that out of you, since your… personalities seem to clash so easily.

– Oh, I say and blink. – Did you… was that why you wanted me to come with you both…?

Tetsu-kun nods.

– I’m sorry. I may have got carried away. But you said on the phone, that you had never _really_ tried. So, I just thought maybe Kagami-kun could help.

I sigh.

– You made him go through such trouble! No wonder he looked so pissed all the time! He can’t say no to you, can he?

– I wouldn’t go that far, he says with a smile. – But I guess I have some… privileges with him.

There’s a silence.

– Momoi-san, what is this all about, really?

I glance at him, and then sigh loudly. I guess it’s about time. I take a breath and say:

– I quit being the manager.

Tetsu-kun nods.

I sigh again.

– Dai-chan already told you, didn’t he?

He nods again.

– Can’t he just mind his own business, I mutter.

– He’s just worried about you, Momoi-san.

– Well I don’t need him to be worried about me!

Tetsu-kun nods again.

– But… I’m worried, too. Not because you need it. It’s just that… I don’t understand what’s happening in your life right now. Not if you don’t tell me.

I nod, and sigh.

– I… kind of thought I needed a break from… everything. Dai-chan. The club. I thought I should do something… something new.

Then I chuckle.

– Not that I’ve actually moved that far from where I was. I mean, I just started to think that it would be a nice change to play instead of analysing for a while. I even thought… I even had this silly idea that I would try out for the girls’ team. I mean, maybe just for a while. Like, I’m not dreaming to play in games, that’s probably impossible, anyway. I just… I just thought it could be… fun. While I figure out what it is that I _really_ want to do.

– But, Momoi-san, that’s not silly at all, Tetsu-kun says and there’s a slight frown on his face. And I know that he understands, that I can pour my heart out to him, and it will be fine, so I say:

– Right? Maybe it’s not. Maybe the silly thing is that I know so much about basketball and have been watching it for so long and doing all that behind the scenes work, but I haven’t actually ever played it for real?

Tetsu-kun smiles a little.

– Maybe. That’s for you to decide.

I nod.

Then I sigh.

– I… wasn’t actually so bad at sports when I was just a kid, I say. – I had good marks in P.E. It just… never went anywhere.

– Why… didn’t it? Tetsu-kun asks.

I shrug.

– Probably because I was just more interested in other things. But...

I stop, glance at him, and say: – There was this time, when… I decided that I needed to be super girly to be anyone really, and then… there were some girls who said I looked like a boy when I played soccer, so… maybe… maybe that’s when I started to… hold back, as you put it.

Tetsu-kun just nods.

Then I chuckle, but it sounds bitter.

– And then… then I tried not to hold back. And it didn’t do me any good, I say.

– With Aomine-kun? Tetsu-kun asks quietly.

I nod.

– Yes.

– Maybe… Maybe you should talk to him again, he says. – More… carefully. You can still be careful, even if you don’t hold back a piece of yourself.

I shake my head.

– All I need right now is to be away from him. I have to deal with myself first.

He nods, even though his expression looks complicated.

– Then… would you like to play with me for a change? he asks.

And that’s exactly what I’d rather do right now.

Tetsu-kun tries to teach me from the very basics again. I guess he isn’t really focusing on my fighting spirit anymore. And maybe that issue is way too complicated for us to solve in one night. I wasn’t even conscious that I was holding back, but now that Tetsu-kun and Kagamin have both pointed it out, I guess I have to admit there’s something to it. They would know, wouldn’t they?

– So, you done with the psych? Kagamin says when he comes back and tosses a can of juice to Tetsu-kun.

– Kagami-kun. We were just done talking about you, he says.

– Haah. Old joke, Kagamin says and tosses a can of soda to me, which I barely catch. – You still drink soda like a normal person, right? he asks.

– Uh, sure, I say. – Thanks.

Tetsu-kun frowns at him.

– Why do you need to use even Momoi-san to point out how abnormal you think I am, Kagami-kun?

– Abnormal… special snowflake… whatever way you want to put it, Kagamin says back with a grin.

I sip my soda and watch them bicker for a while and think that I would never recognize this as a lovers’ quarrel if I didn’t know. Well, it’s probably because I’ve never actually seen them be even remotely affectionate in front of me. They just seem like they always did to me, I guess. I almost wish they would lower their guard a little bit. Maybe if I saw even a hint, I would find it easier to imagine them being boyfriends. Apparently Dai-chan was seeing hints everywhere though, so maybe I should just pay closer attention. I mean, I do want to understand it. I want to be able to talk about it normally to Tetsu-kun. If he ever wants to talk about Kagamin with me. I wish he would. Even if I don’t necessarily understand what’s appealing about that guy.

Except… the part that resembles…

I’m so not gonna go there.

– Okay, I’m good to go again, says Kagamin then, turning to me. I blink.

– With me? I ask and blink again. He frowns.

– Who else?

– Really, you two can play, I say. – You’ve done enough for me.

He frowns deeper.

– No, I still feel like I have a bone to pick with you, he says, and he seems to be emitting this aura of danger towards me, and it’s… almost funny. – I know you feel the same way about me. It just frustrates me to no end that you won’t let it out. So, I’m hardly doing this for you.

I think something stirs up in me at that. At least he picked the right words to release me from having to be grateful to him.

And maybe it’s because all this suddenly seems so funny to me. Like, I don’t even know what the hell I am doing here, and I realize that it doesn’t matter one bit. Maybe it’s because of that, that when Kagamin starts to move past me, I don’t even go for the ball. I go for his feet instead, I grab his ankle and make him trip.

– Hey! he shouts. – That’s like so illegal!

And it makes me giggle like crazy. And then, when he’s still lying on the ground on his stomach, I grab his shoe and yank it off. Then I throw the shoe towards the basket.

It goes in.

I totally lose it then, and fall on my knees, laughing like crazy, holding my stomach.

– What are we going to do with this little robber girl? Kagamin chuckles to Tetsu-kun, who I think is also laughing behind me.

Then Kagamin turns to me.

– At least you took me by surprise. Like you _meant_ it, he says.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Inspiration music:
> 
> Takes One to Know One - Amy Diamond


	6. The Lapp Woman and the Finn Woman

_Maybe the story was about me after all. Maybe Dai-chan wasn’t Kai. Maybe the Snow Queen wasn’t some outside source of evil. Maybe it was all me._

I never try out for the girls’ team in the end. The more I play with Tetsu-kun and Kagamin the more it starts to seem like there won’t be anything there for me. Or maybe there would, who knows? It’s just that… I’ve already found my niche.

– I’m stupid, right? I say to Tetsu-kun one night. – I mean, the more I’ve been away the more I just… miss the team. I thought that maybe I started being the manager because of Dai-chan, but… maybe I was just doing it for me from the start?

Tetsu-kun smiles and says:

– Even if it did start like that, why would it matter? Why does it matter how something started? Isn’t it more important what you’ve made of it?

I smile, too. I think, over these weeks I’ve regained my smile. A real smile. I’m aware that there’s still a lot of things that I’m not thinking about, that I’m putting off to deal with another day.

– Right, I say. – I mean, if I run away from something that I love because of Dai-chan, doesn’t that just make it worse?

I think I’m seeing things clearer now. Maybe what I needed really was perspective.

– Mom, will you braid my hair for me?

She’s sitting on the living room sofa, flicking through the TV in the dim light. She smiles.

– Of course.

I sit in front of her on the floor and hand her the brush. While she brushes my hair, she says:

– You’ve taken a liking to braids lately. Are they in fashion?

I shrug.

– I think they just make me feel good lately.

– That’s good, she says with a smile in her voice. – That way your whole face is visible. Like there’s more light on it. It suits you. It makes me think of you as a little girl again.

Then she chuckles.

– I’m sorry. Maybe you don’t want to hear that.

I shrug.

– I think I would be fine with being a little girl again.

She lets out a laugh.

– Well, you’re still not grown up, she says with a smile.

– Mom?

– Yes?

– Do you ever wish you could start something all over again?

She doesn’t answer right away. We sit in silence for a while. Then she says:

– Well, maybe. But if I did, then, wouldn’t I just forget the lesson that made me want to do it all over in the first place?

I sigh.

– I guess.

Silence falls again.

– What were you watching? I ask.

– Oh, nothing really. I just left this documentary on.

I watch for a while, and it’s about the creator of the Moomins. A Finnish woman. I guess it would be interesting to someone really into those characters.

It makes me think of the story of the Snow Queen again. There was a Finn woman in that too.

Gerda wouldn’t want to do things over again, would she? She never once complained about the time she lost searching for Kai. All she ever cared about was to make things right again.

Yes. But did she ever really do it for Kai? Maybe Kai would’ve been happy living with the Snow Queen for the rest of his life. Didn’t she just do everything for herself? Wasn’t it always _her_ journey?

And then it dawns on me. The whole story. It doesn’t need to be about anyone else than me, because from the start it was just _my_ fantasy. Different parts of me, inside of me, at war with each other. Maybe Gerda is my ideal self. Maybe Kai is the weak me. The Snow Queen is the worst of me. The Robber Girl is the me who will set the ideal me free. Even the Lapp woman and the Finn woman are parts of me, who know something the conscious me still doesn’t. My secret powers, the way to the Snow Queen’s palace.

Thinking like this almost makes me giggle.

But if that’s true, then… I didn’t need to become Gerda to save Dai-chan. I didn’t need to save Dai-chan at all. Because Kai, was me, all along. And if I felt like I needed to become Gerda to save anyone… And if _everyone_ was already me… then I just needed to become more _me_ to save _me_.

– Mari-chan? Will you skip school with me today? I ask that morning.

– _Eeeeh??_ her voice sounds through the phone. I’m sure she has never done something like that.

– You see… there’s something that I need to do. A cleansing ritual of a sort, I tell her. – And I want someone to witness it. I couldn’t think of anyone but you.

– _Oh… Satsuki-chan… I’m so honoured… but…_

She hesitates. Then:

_– I’ll come with you! Where?_

I walk to the harbour with a basket full of dead flowers. One day after school I went to a market and bought a big bunch of leftover flowers. I was going to dry them and hang them from my ceiling, but then I started to feel like they were a little too much like this fairy tale me that I don’t match anymore.

I wanted to do something else with them, so I came up with something silly.

Mari-chan meets me with an earnest expression, asking me what I need her to do. I tell her she doesn’t need to do anything but watch and listen.

So, I find a good empty spot near the water, a little sheltered from other people’s eyes. Then I turn to Mari-chan, and tell her she can hold the basket if she wants to. She seems so eager to help me in some way.

– I’ve been thinking… and not thinking a lot of things lately, I tell her. – Maybe it’s just part of growing up. Maybe everyone has moods like these at some point. I don’t know.

She just listens quietly.

– Anyway, I’ve realized some things about myself that I don’t like so much. They aren’t things that can be solved overnight. Maybe they’re things I’ll struggle with for the rest of my life. But maybe… maybe there are some things about the past that I can at least try to… leave behind a little.

I smile at her.

– I don’t want them to stay hidden in my head. That’s why I need you to listen. Maybe then… I can focus on the things I like about myself, and the good things in my life again.

She still doesn’t say anything, just nods and smiles at me. I realize it was good to take Mari-chan with me. I had almost forgotten how loyal she is. How much I like her for it.

I pick the first flower from the basket. It’s a rose. I look at it, and I don’t feel hate anymore.

– This is for the me who doesn’t appreciate her friends enough, I say, and throw the rose into the water.

It feels good. I’m almost not prepared for how good it feels to say that out loud.

I can forgive myself a little.

I pick up the next flower.

– This is for the me who doesn’t want to show her true face, for the fear of not being liked for who she really is, I say and watch the flower land in the water.

I smile at it and turn to pick the next one.

– This is for the me who keeps running away.

– This is for the me who manipulates people.

– This is for the me who says cruel things with a smile on her face.

– This is for the me who blames everyone else for her own problems.

– This is for the me who thinks that the world revolves around her. For the me who needs to make every drama hers!

– This is for the me who keeps hurting and ignoring her best friends.

– This is for the me who puts more boundaries between people as if there wasn’t enough in the first place.

At some point tears start rolling on my face.

– This is for the me who is weak and clingy instead of being genuine.

– This is for the me who needs to go for an eye for an eye.

– This is for the me who thinks there are winners and losers in love.

– This is for the me who keeps waiting for someone else to save me!

– This is for the me who is an arrogant, entitled bitch!

At some point I start laughing amongst my tears.

I take a deep breath.

– This is for the me who cries at night, because I want to tell her that it’s gonna be okay.

– This is for the me who thinks she needs to earn people’s love, because I want to tell her that she has been loved before she could lift a finger without help.

– This is for the me who thinks love is a game, because she should know that love is about the people, not the game.

– This is for the me who thinks her worth is measured by how much other people love and appreciate her, because she should be the person to love and appreciate herself first.

All this time Mari-chan stands quietly beside me, holding the basket.

– This is for the me who is strong. Because she doesn’t always need to be.

– This is for the me who puts a smile on her face even when it hurts. Because she doesn’t have to.

– This is for the me who will do everything for other people. Because she should ask them if they even want it, and maybe let them do the same, too.

– And this, I say and pick up the last flower. It’s a really ugly looking gerbera. But it warms up my heart just to look at it.

– This… is for the me who hates herself, I say. – Because it doesn’t make any sense.

I watch the wind toss and turn the last dead flower until it hits the surface of the water.

Then I take a piece of paper from my pocket. I’ve written just one word on it.

“Kai”.

I look at it for a while and smile, though my face is still soaked in tears. I crush the paper in my hands and throw it amongst the flowers.

 _This is for the two boys who changed me_ , I think to myself. _For Dai-chan, who wasn’t my Kai. And for Tetsu-kun, who made me remember, that “kai” means “release”._

This is my release. This is me letting go!

I look at the sea of flowers in front of me. It’s beautiful. How beautiful is the trash that I want to put behind me.

I look at Mari-chan and see that she’s crying quietly beside me. I laugh and throw my arms around her.

– Thank you, Mari-chan! I feel so much better now.

– N-no, thank you Satsuki-chan! I don’t know if anyone has ever let me see something so beautiful!

And so we hold each other in the harbour and cry.

I’m so thankful that I called Mari-chan. I’m starting to think that she _can_ understand me. The other girls… maybe them, too. After all, wasn’t it me who decided they couldn’t, even before giving them a chance? Haven’t I done that with everyone?

I’m ready now. I’m ready get to know myself better. It’s going to be an adventure.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Inspiration music:
> 
> Ride This Feeling - Kate Miller-Heidke


	7. What Happened at the Snow Queen's Palace and What Happened Afterwards

_I guess we’re all going to keep telling ourselves stories and never stop._

Mom scolds me when she learns I didn’t go to school today, but I think she doesn’t punish me, because she can tell that I’m happier than I was before. That I’m at a better place than I’ve been for a while.

I think of what Tetsu-kun’s grandmother said to me, about forgiving myself. Maybe I was able to do that a little. Because I think of her flowers in that tiny magical garden, and I think of the dry ones I threw in the waves, and I can’t tell which ones are more beautiful, anymore. It’s an odd thought but I like it.

Even though I feel happier, more free than I have for along time, that also just means I can feel more freely now. And that means I’m going to lie in my bed that evening and think about Dai-chan.

Dai-chan, Dai-chan, Dai-chan.

He’s so much of a part of me that I don’t even know how to put my feelings into words. I don’t know what to do with them. He’s just always been there.

I said “goodbye” to him but of course I didn’t really mean it. I can’t say goodbye to Dai-chan. That’s impossible. I would be saying goodbye to like, half of me. Of course, I would probably be able to build myself again without him as a part of it all, if I had to say goodbye to him. But I don’t see why I should go through that when he’s still so close to me in this world.

After all, he’s not one of the parts of me that I want to discard.

There’s a strange noise outside.

I must be out of my mind…

I get up, wipe a bit of tears from my eyes and go open my balcony door. I step to the balcony and don’t believe what I’m seeing. The noise is coming from the old tree that hangs over my balcony, and there he is… Dai-chan!

Climbing the tree!

– Dai-chan! a yell escapes me. – What on earth are you doing?

He has just made his way on the lowest branch of the tree, which is still quite high.

– Damn, this is harder than I thought, he mumbles.

– Stop it! I yell. – It’s dangerous!

He’s never climbed that tree from the ground before. When he lived next door, he would get to the tree from his own window.

– I mean it! I shout, when he reaches for the next branch.

– No! I’m trying to play the fucking prince you want me to play! he yells back at me.

– What on earth are you saying?? This isn’t a rom com! And I _don’t_ want you to be my prince anymore! Not now! Isn’t that how it’s supposed to be?

– Whatever, Satsuki, I’m coming up, he says, slightly out of breath.

– NO! You go down right now! I don’t want you here! I can’t _deal_ with you now! Not yet! I haven’t figured out how we’re going to do this yet! I need to figure myself out first… I need to… I need to accept that… I thought I was in love with a boy who didn’t love me back… and that I told myself I wasn’t in love with a boy who also didn’t love me back! That… Dai-chan, that’s going to take me some time to get over!

I stop to take a breath, but he doesn’t stop climbing.

– I mean it! I yell.

– Shut up, Satsuki, you’ll wake up the neighbourhood, he says, and then he’s already climbing so close to my balcony it’s no use to tell him to stop. He stops on the branch in front of the railing and just looks at me for a while. I find that my heart is beating fast. He could’ve fallen down…

– What are you, a spider monkey? I get out, but my voice sounds weak now. Because he’s there. Staring at me from that branch like a damn black panther. As if his eyes could really gleam in the dark…

– It’s okay Dai-chan, I say, and for some reason I take a step back. – You don’t have to come here because you’re worried about me. I get it already. Just because I thought I waited for long enough, doesn’t mean that I’m _it_ for you. Even if you like big boobs it doesn’t mean that you’ll like me. Everything I’ve ever thought is ridiculous and you don’t have to go through the trouble of lecturing me about it, because I get it… I just need some time, so please, just leave me alone for now!

But he shakes his head. He looks at me with that sharp and serious look in his eyes. My heart won’t calm down.

– Damn it Satsuki, you don’t get _anything_ , he says. – I’ll show you how I feel.

And then he jumps over the railing and lands in front of me on the balcony, and I’m about to back away, but he catches me by the waist and pulls me close and he leans down and…

He kisses me.

I think I just forget everything that I was about to say to him, and I just close my eyes and kiss him back without thinking, because there it finally is. The kiss I’ve been waiting for my entire life, finally, right there on my lips. I throw my arms around his neck, and he pulls me hard against himself by my waist.

Dai-chan, Dai-chan, Dai-chan!

Our lips are pressed together so tight it’s starting to feel like we want to smash each other’s heads. It’s like there’s been a magnet between us for so long, and I don’t know anymore how we managed to resist this pull because now I just don’t want to let go of him, and he’s not letting go of me either, he’s holding me so hard that it almost hurts, but I want him to hold me even tighter, for all those years we didn’t follow that magnetic pull…

I think it’s only when we realize that it’s not possible to get any closer that we finally let go and just stare at each other, slightly out of breath.

Then I put my hand to a fist and hit his chest. But not that hard.

– _You said you didn’t want me!_ I yell. – _How_ could you say that?

He rolls his eyes and sighs. He’s still holding me close.

– Satsuki, you’re my best friend. You’re also incredibly hot. What else could a guy want?

– That. Doesn’t. Answer. The damn. Question!

He sighs again and looks at me with that serious, but a little less sharp look.

– Don’t you get it? I just don’t want that _life_.

– What life? What the hell are you talking about?

– You know what. You know how it’s going to go, don’t you? he says and frowns at me. – After high school, if we can help it, we’ll go to the same university and move in together. Then we’ll get married. Have two kids and maybe a dog or a cat. Then, at some point, you’ll get tired of me. And I’ll cheat on you. And then you’ll cheat on me for revenge… I… _that’s_ what I don’t want!

And suddenly he looks so earnest. So… helpless.

I can’t help but burst into laughter.

– _That’s_ what you’re worried about? How can you be worried about something like that at seventeen?! Dai-chan, you’re like an old man!

– Wha- Hey, I’m serious! he goes on with a deeper frown. – I don’t want to screw things up with you! And I _will_! I _always_ screw everything up! That’s why you think you have to keep tabs on me all the fucking time!

– No, Dai-chan, that’s not the reason! I just wanted to be close to you, I just didn’t want to give you a chance to drift away and fall in love with someone else!

– Well, it worked! he almost yells. – And why are you still laughing?

I shake my head.

– Dai-chan, don’t you think I would’ve got tired of you by now if I was ever going to?

He sighs and shakes his head too, but not as an answer. Then he says:

– I’ve decided it doesn’t matter anymore. I mean, I _always_ do this. When I think that something might not work out in the end, that it won’t get better… I make _sure_ it doesn’t work out. Before I’ve really even given it a chance to work. Maybe _that’s_ why I screw everything up.

– Dai-chan, you don’t screw _everything_ up…

– Let me finish. You’re right. You were right all along. If I walk away from you then I’ll lose you _now_. Isn’t that even worse than losing you later? I don’t want to screw it up and I don’t want to hurt you, but I also don’t want my life to be this self-fulfilling prophesy. Even if you do have a tendency to live in a fantasy, then I have a tendency to live in a fucking nightmare. But it doesn’t matter. Because I know this about you, and you know that about me, and we’re still here, we’ve still stuck together all these years.

He stops, and I think he’s blushing now, even if it’s hard to tell on his skin. It makes me blush too.

– I just don’t want you to be… _stuck_ with me, you know? he says.

I giggle and shake my head.

– Dai-chan. Shut up, and kiss me, I say.

And then we kiss. This time we’re not trying to fit years of ungiven kisses into one. We know we don’t have to. Because there will be so many. So, so, so many. And there’s this feeling in my stomach. A quiet, constant, warm feeling that’s always been there, and now it’s rising up from the small place I’ve forced it into, so it wouldn’t take too much space, and it just rises up and slowly fills my chest with this incredible warmth. Like I’m home after a long and exhausting journey.

I get up on my toes to give him a kiss with more force and then I break free. I hit his chest again.

– I _knew_ you loved me, Dai-chan! I knew it! I say and giggle.

He hugs me then. I think that I fit into his arms so perfectly, and lean into him, put my arms around him and squeeze. Suddenly I’m all smiles. I just can’t stop smiling.

– Yeah, he says. It makes me giggle.

– We’ve _always_ loved each other, I say.

He nods.

We end up lying on my bed, just holding each other. That’s not something we’ve done since we were little kids, and it feels so comforting. I think Dai-chan seems relaxed too, as far as he can, anyway. I’m not sure he can be completely relaxed anymore. Maybe that’s just something that’s in his childhood. But that’s okay. Like, maybe I’ll never learn to let loose and not hold anything back like I did as a child. But that’s okay too.

– Satsuki, you have to come back, he says then, into my hair. – We need you. We’ll be screwed in the Winter Cup without you.

I giggle.

– I already called Coach today to let me back, I say.

Dai-chan grunts.

– Huh. You’re still one step ahead of me.

I giggle again.

– Haha, yeah, the only thing you won’t ever be able to keep up with is my moods, I say. He nods.

– I guess you’ll cut me some slack.

I answer him in kisses. He runs his fingers through my hair and then we just lie there like that, the tips of our noses touching. He has a deep look in his eyes. It makes me smile.

– It’s not all your fault, you know, I say. – I made this really hard for us for so long.

He nods slowly.

– I’m sorry I did that. And I’m sorry for all the trouble I caused for other people. Especially Tetsu-kun.

He nods again.

– Damn it, he mutters. – Why did you have to go after him of all people? It was driving me crazy. At one point I was sure… I was so sure that you two would actually fall for each other. You were so… compatible in some ways, I guess.

I smile.

– But Kagamin is better for Tetsu-kun than me, I say. Dai-chan nods. Then he chuckles.

– Yeah, those two are made for each other. They’re such softies. I bet their relationship is all about ogling each other and talking cheese.

It makes me laugh to think about that, but I can’t say it’s too hard for me to picture it now, after all.

Then Dai-chan rolls his eyes.

– Geez, that Bakagami… the guy has an _apartment_ of his own, and I _bet_ they’re not even making a good use of it…

I look at him and raise a brow.

– Please, don’t picture that, I say and flick his forehead with my finger. – I’m in front of you.

He raises a brow at me too. Then smirks.

– If _I_ had an apartment…

But then he starts tickling me all over, and I’m trying hard not to laugh, because my parents are still sleeping downstairs.

When he stops, I take my chance and roll over, managing to sit on top of him. He looks at me with a curious gleam in his eyes. I lean closer, and my hair falls on his face.

– If we were alone, I whisper. – Would you take me now, Dai-chan?

He chuckles and tugs my hair back behind my ears. He shakes his head. And smiles.

– No, not now. I think we’ve solved enough for one night.

I grin back at him.

– But, he whispers then. – Soon. I would.

I giggle and lean to whisper in his ear:

– Not if I take you first.

Then I start tickling him, but he stops me and I don’t fight him, because he’s more ticklish than me. I roll over again, and we hold each other close again. Our hearts are beating faster.

I know that he has to go soon, but I don’t want him to go yet.

Telling my parents that I’m going out with Dai-chan isn’t a big deal. Mom is more like “finally”, than surprised, and starts asking when he will come over, since she hasn’t seen him in ages.

And it’s not like dating Dai-chan is suddenly going to solve all the problems I have with myself, but, he _was_ one of the big ones. So, my days are going more smoothly now. When he’s there it’s harder to think about all the things that are wrong, when something is so right.

I still go play basketball with Tetsu-kun and Kagamin for a couple of times, because in the end I had a lot of fun with them, and I know that I’ll be too busy soon. And it’s the first chance to tell Tetsu-kun that I’ve solved it with Dai-chan, even if Kagamin is there too. (I want to say it before Dai-chan.)

And Tetsu-kun actually does it, he says it:

– Finally.

I laugh but I still have to pretend to be a little offended.

– Who are you to tell me that?

His eyes widen a little.

– What do you mean? It only took _me_ like… one and a half years to take action. How many years did it take you again?

In surprise, I turn from him to Kagamin, who is standing behind me. He rubs his head and says:

– Uh, yeah. He really did… take… action.

His voice turns into a mumble and he actually blushes.

I start laughing.

– You guys are so cute, I say, even if it means that Kagamin will pulverize me.

Dai-chan and I are sneaking into the roof at school again, most days. And it’s not because he’s skipping class or practice. It’s because… well, hormones, I guess. When no one else comes there, we sometimes forget to eat before the lunch break is over.

One day during practise I get a genius idea.

That night, Dai-chan sends me a message.

_Can’t find my spare uniform. Had it at school because of that practise game… You happen to have seen it?_

To which I answer:

_Oh yeah, it’s here. Come and get it._

And that’s how Dai-chan appears at my bedroom door that night, and I’m already waiting for him. He stops at the door and looks at me, then chuckles and shakes his head.

– Is this your idea of a seduction? he asks.

I’m lying on the bed on my side, wearing his basketball uniform. I smile at him and bat my eyelashes.

He laughs and shakes his head.

I say:

– My parent’s won’t be home tonight.

He closes the door behind him but his expression is complicated.

– Satsuki, you don’t have to seduce me, you know. You know that I want you. At least I hope that you do.

But then he looks awkward and scratches his neck.

– What? I ask. – Is this too much?

He shakes his head.

– No, it’s just…

He looks around my room.

– I’m sorry, even if your parents aren’t home, it just feels wrong.

Then he facepalms himself and laughs.

I get up from the bed and go to him. He takes my hands in his.

– Bet you think I’m a coward. But I… can’t. I’m sorry. Not here, in this house. At least not yet. It gives me the creeps. You know how many times I slept in your bed when I was a kid? How many times your parents woke us both up? It’s just… Could the first time be in a place that feels less… disgraceful? Ugh, I feel like a douche…

I smile at him and nod.

– It’s okay Dai-chan. I get it. But will you just sleep beside me again, then?

He nods.

– Not that I don’t like you in my uniform, he says with a smirk.

– Right? I say and turn around. – Maybe I really should have tried out for the girls’ team…

– The girls’ team? he says with a frown. – When were you going to do that?

I giggle and pull him with me towards the bed.

– I’ll tell you. And then you’ll tell me all the secret thoughts you’ve ever had about me. And then we’ll keep talking like that all night.

He snorts.

– As if.

But he holds my hand and his eyes smile at me.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Inspiration music:
> 
> Something That I Want - From Tangled  
> In My Dreams - Malumi
> 
> [BACK TO CHAPTER 33 of The Other Things](https://archiveofourown.org/works/15618873/chapters/66819931)


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